5 Words to Use in Place of "Fag"

This morning I sent an email to my boss Mulhausen about a big presentation we're doing in a couple of days. I asked if he wanted to set up an internal meeting to rehearse. His response: "Rehearsal is for fags." He copied my entire staff. 

Apparently someone got offended and forwarded the email to Human Resources, who immediately reprimanded Mulhausen for using the term "fags" to refer to homosexuals. He responded by saying that he wasn't referring to homosexuals, only to people who rehearse. 

Needless to say, the reprimand stands. 

Here are 5 words he could have used in place of the offensive term "Fags":

1. Homosexuals

The word "Homosexual" is not offensive. It's both scientific and politcally correct. And since there are many homosexuals in the performing arts, it's also technically correct in this context. Rehearsal IS for homosexuals. Yes, heterosexuals rehearse too, but "homosexuals" isn't a slur and it's not off the mark.

2. Pussies

This is probably what he really meant anyway. And this term, in this context, is not really a dirty word. They use in on television and radio now because its meaning has come to be much less offensive than it used to be. Females may still be offended because in their minds it's still a reference to a woman's vagina. But since it doesn't refer to the female gender, only a female body part, we should be in the clear. 

3. Ferrets

This word still gives you the punch of the "F" and also the sound of a word that relates to the "fag" slur: Fairies. And ferrets are just nervous little weasles, so it actually makes sense. 

4. Cigarettes

In the UK they refer to a cigarette as a "Fag." Certainly, "Rehearsal is for cigarettes" makes absolutely no sense. But from an international standpoint, you get to say it without saying it and mean it without meaning it. Unless in the UK "cigarette" means what "fag" in the US means, then some of our English employees might still be offended. 

5. Terrorists

Use a word that refers to a group of people nobody likes. And in fact, even terrorists wouldn't be offended because the word "terrorist" is not a slur. Whether they rehearse or not, I don't know. It's hard to rehearse blowing yourself up. But regardless, again in this context, everyone will believe that they do rehearse and if terrorists rehearse, we should not. Just be sure not to use a term like "raghead" for "terrorist" or then you'll be back to square one.

Personally, I thought we took the term "Fag" back. According to South Park we did, and they're really the gatekeepers of prudent social behavior. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me. But I guess HR and Hollywood still disagree.  

Hmmm.

I should write something new... 

Tabbatha

I had drinks with Tabbatha last Wednesday night because my dick told me that I should. My brain told me that I shouldn't, so I compromised by having drinks with her, but inviting my own cock block: Maharajapuram, my Inidan programming lead. 

I invited Maharajapuram for drinks specifically because he does not drink. If you're going to invite your own cock block out for drinks, you need to make sure he doesn't become a whiskey dick or he's not gonna block anything. 

On the other hand, I decided to drink like crazy so that I wouldn't be able to do shit. The more I wanted to have sex with Tabbatha, the more I drank. But the more I drank, the more I wanted to have sex with Tabbatha. And the more I drank, the more she drank. And the more we both drank, the more obnoxious we became and the more Maharajapuram wanted to leave. 

In fact, at one point, I looked away from Tabbatha and saw that Maharajapuram was gone. Long gone. And I also noticed that my finger was inside Tabbatha under the table. My entire plan was a huge failure.

We stumbled back to the office, showed the sercurity guard our IDs, said we had some work to do. He sighed and continued reading his mag. 

We then had sex on the couch in my office. Well, sort of sex. I could barely perform. Barely function. But I pulled it off when I finally managed to get my uncooperative dick inside her. Sex with Tabbatha lasted about 10 seconds. 

Thursday night I had sex with Knipples again, but this time when she fell asleep because of her Sexolepsy, I just closed my eyes and pretended I was fucking Tabbatha correctly this time. When Knipples orgasmed, she woke up and screamed "Holy fucking shit!" and then thanked me for fucking her so well while she was asleep. 

Both women want sex again. Knipples, because it's the best sex she's ever had asleep and Tabbatha because it was the worst sex she's ever had awake. I can't win. 

More Employee Relations

I was all prepared today to come up with an excuse not to have drinks with Tabbatha tonight. In fact, I came up with a whole list to choose from: 

• Sick grandmother (oldie but a goody)
• Smithee, my imaginary boss, is making me work late
• I was bitten by a bat and need to go get a rabies shot
• I have to go home because I forgot to set my DVR to record People's Choice Awards
• I have AIDS
• Zombie Apocalypse

But when she walked into my office this morning, she didn't look like sweet Tabbatha. She looked like sexy slutty office worker who wants to be treated like a farm animal. 

Usually, she wears conservative business attire. You know, the button down white shirt with only the top button undone; slacks or maybe a long skirt; medium heels. 

But today, she had on a top that revealed cleavage--cleavage I didn't even know she had. She's got some sort of Victoria's Secret push-up/padded, here's-my-tennis-ball-tits-in-your-face kind of bra on under that tight black and white top. She was also wearing a black skirt above the knees with a pair of spiked heels that I could only imagine digging into my back while I nail the fuck out of her. 

"Still on for tonight?" she asked. 

"Definitely," I said without one millisecond of hesitation. 

That whole list of excuses was suddenly torched and discarded, and the don't-fuck-your-employee policy was immediately amended to be the fuck-the-living-shit-out-of-your-employee policy. 

She left my office and I just sat there trying to figure out what just happened. Regardless, looks like I'm having drinks with sweet, possibly slutty, Tabbatha tonight. But I'm sure nothing will happen... 

Employee Relations

What's worse than having sex with someone who works for you? Having sex with two people who work for you. It's not an ethical issue (for me); it's a question of complication. It's complicated enough having sex with the Users. 

Knipples still wants me to have sex with her, even though she falls asleep every time we start having sex. And even though she never knows we're having sex because of her Sexolepsy, she thinks it's the greatest sex she's ever had.

But when I have sex with Knipples, it feels like date rape or necrophilia. Which would be fine if I were into either one of those things. But I'm not, so it's very difficult for me to have sex with her even though I'm the best sex she's ever had asleep.

The other issue is that she works for me. I swore I would never have sex with anyone who worked directly for me. But since she's asleep during sex, it's as if I never did it. Which makes it almost worth doing again, except for the fact that the reason I can fuck my own employee is the same reason I cannot fuck my own employee.  

Tabbatha is also a direct report. She's very cute, but I'm not attracted to her because she's too sweet for me. Which is why I felt safe asking her if she wanted to have a drink with me after work sometime. She accepted the invitation for drinks which is why I can no longer have a drink with her after work sometime. Nobody that sweet has drinks with me after work. And if she's not really that sweet, I'll become attracted to her and try to have sex with her. 

In summary: I can have sex with Knipples because she sleeps through it, which is also the reason I can't have sex with Knipples. I can have a drink with Tabbatha because she's so sweet, but only if she refuses to have a drink with me. Since she didn't refuse to have a drink with me, so I can no longer have a drink with Tabbatha. 

I'm supposed to have a drink with Tabbatha tomorrow night and have sex with Knipples on Thursday night. I need to get out of both situations. What happened to the good old days when I used to just fuck the clients?