Why Zombies Don't Date

I suppose the main reason zombies don’t date is because they don’t fuck.

Dead dicks don’t fuck and neither do dried-up pussies. That’s just one of the facts of life. Zombies don’t fuck so zombies don’t date.

Whether you’re male of female, we’re all just trying to get laid. Sure, some people want to throw emotions and commitment into the exchange, but sex is what drives us all. Except for zombies. Hunger for human flesh drives zombies....

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Meet Your Maker

Kelsey's Angry Fiancé called a meeting with Kornfeld and myself. I assumed this was because he had already figured out that the man who fucked his wife was not the Director of Finance, but in fact, the Manager of Technology. And therefore, the man he wanted to kill was actually me not Kornfeld. 

Blair and Kelsey were also invited to this meeting.

I was beginning to wonder if he took this job just so that he could fillet me in front of these very people in a meeting, like the one I was about to attend. 

I had no strategy going in because I had no idea what to expect. I didn't want any surprises walking into the room, so I got to the meeting first, found my power position at the conference room table, then mentally prepared for the onslaught as I waited.

Of course, the first to arrive was Kelsey's Angry Fiancé. 

He greeted me with a smile and a handshake. 

I told myself: Wait for it... Wait for it...

But it didn't come. 

He made small talk, like any new employee might. Even so, I stared at him apprehensively. He didn't seem to notice, didn't seem to care. He just blabbed on like we were palling it up. 

Then Blair came into the room. She introduced herself to Kelsey's Angry Fiancé, then sat in the chair furthest from me and proceeded to ignore me completely. She wanted to make it very clear to the new guy that she was not sleeping with me by pretending I didn't exist. 

Again, nothing abnormal about the situation.

Then Kornfeld came into the room. I saw Kelsey's Angry Fiancé tense up. He smiled again, but this time it was a very forced, criminal smile. When he took Kornfeld's hand and didn't let go for at least a full minute. This not only made Kornfeld uneasy, but Blair also.

He said: "Glad to finally meet you."

It was obvious that he still thought Kornfeld was the guy who fucked his wife.

The two sat down, then Kelsey walked into the room. She apparently didn't check the invite list because when she saw both her angry fiancé and me in the same room, she gasped.

I was more worried about Blair's reaction. Which, predictably, resulted in Blair giving me the evil eye.

So Kelsey still thought I was Kornfeld while Kelsey's Angry Fiancé knew that I was not. But he also didn't think I was the guy who fucked his wife. He thought Kornfeld fucked his wife while Kelsey also thought it was Kornfeld who fucked her, but that I was Kornfeld. 

Kornfeld knew nothing while Blair suspected everything.

The meeting began, and every time Kornfeld asked a question, Kelsey's Angry Fiancé answered with a seemingly unrelated riddle. For example:

Kornfeld: It's your first week, but where do you see this brand heading? 

Kelsey's Angry Fiancé: The maker makes it but doesn't use it.. The buyer buys it but doesn't need it...
The one who needs it never knows it... What is it?

Everyone just stared at him. Kornfeld looked to me for some sort of assurance that he wasn't hearing things, but my expression conveyed that I didn't find anything abnormal about the question at all. 

Kelsey's Angry Fiancé: A coffin. 

And then he chuckled to himself, but didn't take his eyes off Kornfeld. Kelsey couldn't understand why her angry fiancé was angry at this other guy and not me. Blair stared at Kelsey trying to understand why she was staring at the new guy and not me.

Blair knew something was wrong, knew it had to have something to do with me, but couldn't figure out why nothing was being directed at me. 

The riddles continued. Kornfeld became speechless, Kelsey started to sweat, and Blair started boiling over. And then there was me. I just sat there listening as if this was a normal meeting and a normal discussion.

Blair couldn't take it any longer. She stood up, slammed her hand on the table and said:

"What the fuck is going on?"

The room went dead silent as we all stared at Blair. Finally:

"Just a meet and greet," Kelsey's Angry Fiancé said casually with a smile. 

The meeting concluded, everyone left except me and Blair. She just stared at me. 

"Something wrong?" I asked innocently. 

She nodded her head looking at me with squinted, suspicious eyes. Then she walked out of the room.

Well, a reprieve for today. Let's see how long this lasts. Hopefully at least until Kelsey's Angry Fiancé kills Kornfeld.  

Online Socializing leads to offline Sex

Remember when you had to go to a bar and pick up someone in order to get laid? According to a new mobile dating survey conducted by Intelitech Inc, the creators of PhoneShag, 70.4-percent surveyed have known someone that took online interaction offline and met their date in person. How many of these people actually fucked, they didn’t say.

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The Problem with Nepotism

The problem with nepotism is that it makes it easier for people who want to kill you to become employed at the same company in which you work.

Kelsey's Angry Fiancé will be starting work at my company on Monday as a Brand Manager.  

I suppose I knew this all along, but Kelsey is not the sharpest tool in the shed. She is, however, a really hot piece of ass, which always outweighs.... Well, just about any other factor [reference How to Get Inside Your Enemy's Head (and Mouth)]. 

I asked Kelsey why she would help her angry fiancé get a job at our company. Forget about the fact that he wants to kill me-- she's still trying to fuck me on the side and now it's going to be that much more difficult to pull off with an angry fiancé in the same building all the live-long day. 

Her answer: I didn't think about that...

Kelsey's Angry Fiancé working at the same company presents several problems:

• He wants to murder me
• I can't easily fuck his fiancée right under his nose
• They both still think I'm Kornfeld, the Director of Finance

Now that third little item might have worked in my favor when Kelsey's Angry Fiancé didn't work at the company. But now, it's only a matter of time before they both figure out that I'm not who I said I was.

Kelsey has not figured it out yet only because, again, she's not the brightest bulb on the tree. But her angry fiancé will take no time at all, I'm sure.  

This may also raise some red flags for Blair. Especially when it becomes known that Kelsey does not, in fact, have a thing for Kornfeld. Blair does not need to be told that Kelsey has a thing for me; she just needs to know that Kelsey doesn't have a thing for anyone else. Because that puts me on the market for the new girl. 

Blair will be the least of my concerns. For once. I'm reasonably sure the new Brand Manager will not actually attempt to kill me. However, he may try to make my life a living hell once he figures out who I really am. 

Just when I break down the Berlin Wall of my arch enemy Fiona the Cunt, another one goes up. And I won't be able to fuck this wall down, I can tell you that right now.

He'll be in orientation on Monday which gives me one day of reprieve before the onslaught.  I guess I'd better come up with my counterattack. 

Fuck. 

How to be an Effective Online Slut

There’s no better place than online to enjoy being a slut without having to deal with the traditional castigation from friends and co-workers.

For example, there’s nothing worse for a woman than being known as the Office Slut at work. And it doesn’t take much to become one. All you really have to do is blow two guys in the same department. Once you’re labeled the Office Slut, you’re stuck with it until you leave the company...

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