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« Mulhausen's Former Assistant | Main | Maggie the Drunk »
Tuesday
Nov132007

Suicide Hotline

Because of my unintentional attempted suicide the other day, Triplet from HR has requested that I call the Suicide Hotline at least once a day, increasing the frequency as necessary, of course, depending on any suicidal urges that may arise during the day.

I assured Triplet that Brenda from Toys had already counseled me on the subject. I told her that we had a very intense session just the other night and I feel much better now.

She still wants me to call daily, otherwise the company will force me to take a leave of absence. They still do not believe that I was only on the roof because I got stuck up there and that it had nothing to do with being suicidal. So although I'm not really suicidal at work, the Company wants me to take time off and stay home all day with my wife which, even after a short time, would drive me to actual suicide.

I told her I would make the call.

Blair continues to avoid me. I think she believes I wanted to kill myself because I couldn't live with the fact that she was mad at me for flirting with other women. But I think she's even more angry now that I didn't actually take the plunge. Because that means I can actually live with the fact that she's mad at me for flirting with other women.

Anyway, I had a good conversation with the Suicide Hotline. They told me what to do to avoid depression if I ever were to become suicidal. The woman I was talking to had a very sexy voice. She sounded young, like a volunteer sociology major from the local university.

I asked her what she was wearing. She giggled. I must have been a nice break from the regular callers. I told her I had to call daily but that I only wanted to speak with her. She said that she didn't work daily, so I got her cell phone number.

Being suicidal at a large corporation continues to reveal its perks.

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