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« The Swear Jar | Main | The Urinal Test Prevails! »
Saturday
Nov242007

Socks and Other Accounting Issues

When the meeting entitled, "Socks and Other Accounting Issues" popped up on my calendar today, I wondered what socks had to do with Accounting and why we needed a meeting on it. I then realized Wheels had sent the meeting invite for her boss Plotkin and fucked it up. Plotkin obviously meant "SOX" but Wheels heard "Socks". And of course, she didn't question, even though it made absolutely no sense.

The Compliance department is headed by Sweet-Stanger, a 50 + year-old woman who resembles a Halloween witch with a shitload of hairspray and a blondish home dye job. I was startled when she walked into the conference room and nearly fell off my chair for fear I had looked Medusa in the face and would shortly be turning to stone. 

There was no discretion in my look of fear, so I quickly tried to recover with a joke:

"I think black nylon socks tend to be the biggest issue in Accounting," I said. "Plotkin, can you get your guys to wear cotton?"

I snickered, but nobody else did, least of all Sweet-Stanger. And Plotkin tried to mouth Not that kind of "socks" as if I were serious. Sweet-Stanger didn't express even the slightest smile and apparently thought I was serious too.

"We are here to discuss Sarbanes-Oxley, also known as SOX."

Right then, I knew this was going to be a very long meeting.  

The Compliance department tended to be made up of a bunch of people who couldn't make it in other departments. Nobody starts out in Compliance. This is where you go to die.

Compliance is all about doom and gloom. The sky is always falling and if something isn't done about it right that moment, the company will be fined millions of dollars and people will be taken to jail.

Fernandez, the Mexican't, was also in the meeting. He and Compliance got along very well because each believed the work they did added value to the company. But let's get something straight: Compliance is a necessary evil; it's not a strategic initiative of the company and does not contribute to the bottom line. At best, it saves the company money on government fines, but that's about it.  

I told them I could not do anything until they provided requirements. They said that they had already provided requirements to me. But I told them that what they had provided were not real requirements. I explained to them what real requirements were and they said that they understood, but believe me, they didn't. Because what I defined as real requirements will change the next time they try to submit requirements. No matter what they submit, it will always not be correct. As sure as my socks are black, they will never get it right. Which means, Fernandez will never get his project initiated, let alone completed.

At least he'll be the one going to jail, not me.  

Reader Comments (3)

God I hate compliance meetings and testing...

"Disconnect the call immediately and flag the customer's file if they mention any of the following: Selling drugs, Sedition against the United States government, desire to use our products for the construction or maintenance of Weapons of Mass Destruction."

... wait. What? Oh god...

~C

December 14, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTildesee

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:)

May 2, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterthe-end-sochi.ru

it's good to see this information in your post, i was looking the same but there was not any proper resource, thanx now i have the link which i was looking for my research.

Accounting Dissertation Proposal

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