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« Maggie the Drunk | Main | Brenda from Toys »
Friday
Nov092007

Stew Lady

Stew lady brought in her stew today.

What is Stew? I know it's something my grandmother used to make for me when I was a kid. It's like soup only chunkier, right? I know it means to fret or to worry or to hold a grudge... I know one can Stew in one's own juice. Although I'm not sure what one's own juice refers to exactly...  

Regardless, Stew Lady brought in her stew today. Stew Lady works in Purchasing. She's about 45 years old, big boned, and wears reading glasses around her neck that hang from a gaudy over-jeweled necklace.

Stew Lady loves her stew. Once a month she makes stew for the whole department with enough left over for another 20 or so people. There's always enough to go around because people take such little portions. They do this, I'm sure, so that everyone gets an opportunity to taste Stew Lady's wonderful brew.

This month, Kessler decided it would be funny if he stole Stew Lady's stew.

Stew Lady loves her stew. Stew Lady also loves her Lithium. As luck would have it, she did not take her Lithium this morning.

Stew Lady went fucking nuts.

While Security was questioning everyone in her department, Stew Lady was sobbing behind closed doors in her office. And she would occasionally wail like an injured seal lion. And she would occasionally scream like Bennington breaking his vocal cords on stage.

While most would consider this as a failed joke, Kessler thought it was a spectacular success.

"Maybe you should give her back her stew," I suggested. 

"Are you kidding?" He said. "I'm gonna send her a ransom note. You know, with letters cut from a newspaper and shit. Oh no no no. I'm gonna draw this thing out for a long time..."

This is why I love my company. There's always something to keep me entertained. And this is why I hate the weekends...

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