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« Company Training Classes | Main | Blendi the Virgin »
Tuesday
Dec182007

D-Day (10 Days are Up)

Fessler finally arrived back in the office today after a 10 day business trip to Paris. By my calculations, this would also be the day: 

  • Fessler finds out that he hired a consultant named Alan Smithee to be the interim Director of Application Development.
  • Fessler finds out that most people like Smithee and feel he's doing an excellent job.
  • Mulhausen complains to Fessler about hiring Smithee without his input.
  • Fessler tells Mulhausen that he never hired anyone named Smithee.
  • Mulhausen realizes Smithee doesn't exist.
  • Mulhausen fires me.

But I knew this would happen. I knew it would happen 10 days ago when I went into the lab and created my monster. I figure this is par for the course. Just about everything I do tends to follow a path to self-destruction. 

Mulhausen called me into his office right after lunch.

"I got an email message from Fessler a few minutes ago," he said. "It was about Smithee."  

Mulhausen seemed strangely calm for having just found out Smithee was as real as Santa Claus. I was also strangely calm for man about to be fired. But maybe that's what I've been hoping would happen for the last few months. A sure way to escape the insanity. It's like I'm addicted to a drug that I know is killing me but can't kick the habit by myself. I need rehab. I need freedom...

But then Mulhausen continued:

"He congratulated me on Smithee's performance. Apparently he's already heard what a good job he's been doing."

As I said before, just about everything I do tends to follow a path to self-destruction--and yet I never seem to be able to self-destruct. My friends, today was somehow no different...

Mulhausen thought Fessler hired Smithee while Fessler assumed Mulhausen hired him. Mulhausen won't complain that Fessler hired Smithee without his input because Fessler gave him a compliment, which is a rare thing. Fessler won't complain that Mulhausen hired Smithee because Smithee's doing a great job. Now I just need to keep Fessler and Mulhausen away from Smithee, so that they don't find out he doesn't exist. Which shouldn't be difficult, since Smithee doesn't exist.

I encouraged Mulhausen to make sure Fessler doesn't speak directly to Smithee, otherwise it might undermine his authority. Now that Smithee has instituted proper protocol in the leadership hierarchy, both Mulhausen and Fessler should adopt it as well. Mulhausen agreed. Then I told him that we were breaking protocol by speaking to one another, so he told me to quickly leave his office before Smithee caught us together.

Well, I'm still on the path to self-destruction, but I haven't arrived yet. I was ready for it; I was mentally prepared, but it just wasn't my time. It's like kicking the habit for a day, then going back to the drug. It was good for a day, but the drug is better... 

Reader Comments (1)

Extremely well executed plan Mr. X! Someday, all of corporate america will appreciate minds like yours. Well done.

December 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterQ'd Up

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