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« The Blair Treatment | Main | D-Day (10 Days are Up) »
Wednesday
Dec192007

Company Training Classes

I was sent to HR again today because I have failed to comply with another company policy.

"I removed the '666' as my office number," I said. 

"Thank you," Triplet said. "But this has nothing to do with Satan or the antichrist this time."

I pretended to be relieved to give her the false sense that I was there to cooperate. But I knew exactly why she had called me down to her office.   

There is a company requirement for all employees to take a six hour training class on Microsoft Outlook Calendar. This does not include email; just the calendar module of MS Exchange. This class could be taught in ten minutes. I thought I could avoid taking the class by blocking all email messages coming from the company training department, including calendar appointment requests, and then plead ignorance. I was preparing to do just that.

"Why have you not taken the Outlook Calendar training class?" Triplet inquired.

"What Outlook Calendar training class? I asked. 

My performance was flawless; I had this dopey, perplexed look on my face, with my head slanted slightly to one side, and the glassy eyes of a corpse. She didn't buy it for a second. 

"The Training department has sent you countless requests," she said.

"I've set my email to block anything coming from the Training department," I said. "So, see? There's no possible way I could have known about the Outlook Calendar training sessions." 

For some reason, she didn't consider that a justifiable excuse. I tried again.

"Teri handles my calendar. I'll send her," I said.

"The policy states that everyone must attend. You're in danger of being written up."

What does that mean, written up?  Someone puts something on a piece of paper and it goes into a file that nobody ever looks at. So what if I don't waste my time attending a 6 hour class that can be taught in ten minutes? I made up a fake Director who signs my expense reports. I have sex with women on my couch in my office during business hours. Don't you know who I am?

"Okay. I'll go to the next class," I said. "Who's teaching it?"

"Beth."

Beth? Bouncy Beth Bigalow the intern turned HR rep? She's got a couple of natural cans that must weigh 20 pounds each. Her face is only average, but nobody looks at her face. From what I understand, she only sleeps with Sr VPs and above. But that doesn't mean she can't do me a favor.

I went over to Beth's desk next, made her giggle a couple times, then asked if she could sign me into the next class even if I didn't happen to show up.

"I'll help you out sometime," I said. "I.T. can do just about anything." 

"Hey, you know Blair, right?"

This startled me. I looked around.

"Where?"

"No, she's not here. I just need you to help me out with her."

"How?" I said, somewhat relieved, but not looking forward to the 'how'"

"She wouldn't sign off on my '08 training budget. So she made me cut it by 20%. If you can get me my 20% back, I'll take care of your Outlook training."

Well that's just great. Of all the fucking favors in the world, why did it have to involve Blair. That woman can smell a rat a mile off. This is going to take some real planning. Maybe a couple of rehearsals. And it won't be pretty if she suspects anything, especially if it's tied to Bouncy Beth.

God damn company training classes... 

Reader Comments (2)

You're an IT guy for cryin' out loud!!! You'd think if you didn't know how to schedule meetings in Outlook, you have no business being in IT!!! On second thought, you'd be surprised how many managers are stumped when faced with having to create a distribution list, let alone setting up a meeting invite=/ How they make it to the top, we'll never know...

December 20, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterReeecockulus

Distribution list? What's that?

December 20, 2007 | Registered CommenterJason X

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