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« How to Maintain a Dysfunctional Relationship | Main | Company Training Classes »

The Blair Treatment

I can never tell Blair the truth because she always believes it's a lie.

Most of the time it is a lie, so most of the time she's correct. But with a lie, I always work out the details so that I'm ready for her inquisition. But when I tell the truth, it takes me off guard when she suddenly decides to interrogate me. This makes it seem like I've been caught in a lie, when really I've just been caught in a truth. I just never prepare myself for the truth as well as I do for a lie. Although I have found myself telling lies to support the truth. That's usually done on the fly and never comes off as well as something rehearsed.

So telling Blair the truth about my deal with Bouncy Beth Bigalow to get out of Outlook training would only get me into trouble for being untruthful. That means, in order for Blair to believe the truth, I need to tell her a lie.

Even if I were honest up front about it and she somehow believed me, she'd never agree to increasing the training budget just so that I can get out of Outlook training. So I naturally went with a lie.

"We're going to have the Training department help with our custom application training in '08," I said. "Can you bump up their budget by about 20%?"

She didn't flinch. Her poker face is impeccable. The worst thing about Blair is that she's unpredictable. I could tell she was winding up though, just about to pitch. I always stunk at baseball.

"Do you love me?" she asked.

Talk about a curve ball. I stood there in her office like a deer in headlights.

"Yes, of course," I said. "But what does that have to do with my question?"

She continued to ignore the original question and asked, "Why do you love me?"

She nails me with this question at least once a month and I always get it wrong. I don't know what answer she expects to get, but whatever I say, it's always not correct. So I tried to dodge it completely.

"Can we focus on business right now and talk about this later?"

She just sat at her desk staring at me again with that unwavering poker face. What the fuck goes through her mind? I can tell you one thing, she did not like me brushing off her question.

"We can talk about business when you answer the question," she said, then excused herself for another meeting.

Well, I didn't anticipate this one coming at all. So basically, if I want the training budget bumped up for Bouncy Beth Bigalow so that I can get out of Outlook training, I need to not only answer the question, Why do you love me, but also answer it correctly, which to date, I have never been able to do.

I can't think like a woman, let alone like a Blair, so if anyone has any suggestions for the correct answer to this fucked up trick question, please let me know. Time is short. Outlook training is next Friday... 

Reader Comments (10)

Why are men so stupid ? That's such a simple question. How about telling her something nice ?!?! You must like her for something...right ? How about she's intelligent, successful, beautiful, sweet, kind, caring, loving, she makes you smile, she makes you happy, she completes you. Shit dude...any of the above would be sufficent to satisfy a woman when she asks those questions. Don't say something stupid like, you like her because she likes your hair or gives a good blow job...that's just stupid ! But then again men are stupid...I give up !! By the way...Blair is such a bitch...why do you love her ?

December 20, 2007 | Unregistered Commenterman hater

Erm, I don't think he loves Blair, man hater. If he did, he wouldn't occasionally cheat on her with his wife.

December 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTildesee

I'd love Blair if that got me out of an Outlook training... Anyway, tell her you love her beacuse she makes you happy. As Manhater said. Anyway, getting out of an outlook training will make you happy, so that won't be a lie.

December 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

ManHater - following your suggestion is what got him there in the first place. He likes her because she's a great fuck...nothing more! I'd rather be told that than to be lied to.

Jason - Keep it real for once. From the way it sounds, you have no prob getting pussy. What's the loss here, really? Unless you really do love Blair. Do you?

I like Paul's that.

December 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRawDeal

Men are as stupid as the women who believe them.

December 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEx

Blair knows Jason doesn’t love her; she just wants to hear it to justify her affair and mess with his head.
If this were a normal relationship I would say be honest, let the girl know where she stands so she can decide what to do for herself. In this case you’re so far into this mess babe just roll with it…tell Blair you love her to keep the relationship kosher and get out of training…it’s a win, win =)

December 21, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBeen There

First of all "Ex", women NEVER believe men, hence the problem. We know that every other word is probably a lie. We just like to see what you will come up with, how fast you can come up with it and how big of a pussy you really are.

December 21, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteruserpool fan

All good points. Except for Ex. Ha, just kidding. One of mine?

Man Hater makes a good point, whether she knows it or not. Women ask the question but don't really want to hear the man's answer; they want to hear their answer come out of the man's mouth. This never happens because men don't think like women, which is why this is a trick question that we always get wrong. But now I have the answer from a woman who hates men, which might work, because Blair hates me at least 50% of the time.

Do I actually love her? I'll try to address in the next post. The answer is a little complex, so I may just ignore the question all together.

Just like a man...

December 21, 2007 | Registered CommenterJason X

Men are stupid, women are crazy. It's a fact. My brother and I trademarked it over whiskey.

I know I'm a year late, but just tell her you love her because she's not your wife.

December 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPFont

PFont: If a conversation over whiskey still makes sense the next day... You may have something there.

December 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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