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« Nick Zima | Main | How to Maintain a Dysfunctional Relationship »

Kornfeld's Pink Eye

Twas the day before Christmas, when all through the building, not a creature was stirring, except Blair, that fucking bitch!

I never was very good at poems. But I have to say, that had a nice ring to it...

The place is pretty much empty, except for Blair and the rest of Finance. I can't believe she won't do a simple little favor for the guy who fucks her like a rock star. And why not? Not because of a business or finance issue associated with the budget... But because she doesn't like my answer to her question, Why do you love me? Well, she forced my hand and made me go to her boss, Kornfeld.

Kornfeld, the Director of Finance, is a very sickly man who will never admit he has anything, although he always has something. Today, it looks like he has a very bad case of pink eye.

"You should probably get some antibiotics for that pink eye you have there," I said.

"It's not pink, it's red," he said, defensively.

"What's the difference?" 

"Pink eye requires the doctor, but Visine gets the red out."

"Looks pink to me," I said.

"I was swimming. There was too much chlorine in the pool."

"And it only got in one eye?"

"One goggle is broken."

"Did you try Visine yet?"

"No. If it doesn't work, that means it's pink eye. Better if I just assume it's not. I can't go to the doctor, I have a lot of work to do."

Yes, why go to the doctor to fix something when you can just suffer with it all day at work on Christmas Eve? Finance people are martyrs. They pretend their role is the most critical role in the company, even though they know it isn't. So they work long hours to make everyone else think they have a critical role and so that people will say, You finance guys really put in the hours.

Nobody says they're adding tremendous value, just that they're putting in a lot of hours. Which they are. But that's it. But because they put in all those hours, it sort of gives them a license to be assholes. I mean, if anyone ever complains about them being assholes, they just say, Do you know how many hours I put in here? 

I gave Kornfeld the same line I gave Blair.

"We're going to have the Training department help with our custom application training in '08," I said. "Can you bump up their budget by about 20%?"

Kornfeld looked at me carefully with his one good eye. The other eye was puffy, red and tearing. Suddenly, a small wry smile formed on his face.

"Sure, I can do that," he said. "But..."


"I need you to do me a favor first," Kornfeld said.

Oh God, not again. Everybody wants something. You know this place is really fucked up if I'm the most giving person around here.

"What can I do for you," I said, dreading the response.

"Your new boss, Smithee," he said. "He keeps avoiding me. All I want is a meeting with him. Face to face. Then you get your 20%. Now, how hard could that be?"

Yes, indeed. How hard could that be? I guess the question I have to ask myself is, which is harder: setting up a face to face meeting with Kornfeld and a man who doesn't exist or getting out of mandatory 6 hour Outlook Calendar training class?

"No problem," I said. "I'll get that meeting set up right away."

Looks like I'll need to pull another Christmas miracle out of my ass. Merry Christmas and happy holidays and yada yada whatever else everyone. I'll be back on Wednesday... 

Reader Comments (4)

Your life is absurd. It's great.

December 25, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBlythe

Looks like you gotta do the 6 hours training...:P

December 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterZaeeem

I don't doubt your abilities here Jason X. But since no one's ever seen the guy, get one of your buddies to take a day off from work one day, put him in a suit, load him up with all sorts of powerpoints, a few budget worksheets that he can rustle around with, and a bluetooth earpiece, and you should be good to go. It would be great if Smithee was a chick!

December 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterSeriously

Good suggestion. But I'm already on it. Not a buddy though. I need a professional...

December 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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