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« Face Time with Alan Smithee | Main | Kornfeld's Pink Eye »
Wednesday
Dec262007

Nick Zima

Well, Christmas was wonderful.  I got power tools. Just the basics, like a power drill and--honestly, I don't know what the fuck the other thing is. Some sort of impact wrench. My wife did not give me power tools because I'm one of those guys who likes to build shit with his own hands (and power tools).  She gave me power tools because she wants me to put up shelves and cabinets. Anything she does for me is always meant to get something for herself. In this case, not gonna happen with or without power tools.

So I started my day with the foul residual taste of holiday gift exchange and the agonizing realization that there is probably no way out of attending the six hour Outlook Calendar training class on Friday. 

I had a meeting with Plotkin and a couple of analysts scheduled in conference room 3402 today at 3:00. I was hoping they'd cancel since 3402 was rumored to be haunted. When I got to the conference room, I found Schoonhoven standing at the door. He's a network administrator, short with droopy eyes and a sparse beard that looks like a poorly planted lawn. He works for McKinney.

"You can't go in there," He said.

"I have the room booked. Get out of my way," I said.

"Haven't you heard the rumor? It's haunted," Schoonhoven replied as he planted himself firmly against the door.

"Yeah, I started the rumor," I said. "If you don't get out of my way, I'll twist your nuts off." 

I pushed him aside and walked into the room.  And right there on the conference table was a guy nailing a blond with big fake tits. They were both half dressed; the guy in the remnants of a suit and the woman in a white blouse and navy blue skirt. For a split second I thought I had walked in on a couple just fucking around in a conference room. But I realized it was slightly more complicated than that when I saw the camera crew at the other end of the room.

"Cut!" McKinney yelled and walked over to me. "Dude, you're in my shot."

"McKinney... What the fuck are you doing?" I asked.

"What does it look like? I'm shooting a film," he said, then smiled. "In 3D..."

So it looks like McKinney got his investors.

"It's the middle of the day. And I've got a meeting scheduled right now with Plotkin."

"The week after Christmas is dead. And everybody thinks this conference room is haunted, including Plotkin. And look at that fucking view. You know how this is going to look in 3D? The view, the boobs. It's golden man."  

"Are you fucking crazy? You can't shoot a porno here," I yelled.

There aren't a lot of things at work that surprise me, but this on really had me...

"I'm crazy? You're calling ME crazy?

McKinney then looked at his "actors" as if they were the judges and this was now a formal debate.

He continued: "This guy has fucked a different woman in just about every conference room in this building. So I'm filming it. How is that any worse than you? I'm just making money off it."

"With a film crew and two actors... I'd say it's a little worse."

I looked over at the two on the table who both shook their heads.

Pointing vindictively at me, McKinney said: "This guy convinced everyone this conference room was haunted just so he wouldn't have trouble booking it for his own personal reasons."

The man and woman got off the table now, impressed and more interested.

McKinney continued: "He even fabricated a boss everyone believes is real and now has him signing his expense reports."

I was now hearing Oohs and Ahhs coming from the half naked couple standing in front of me. And then it struck me... I am the crazy one. I am the one who does the crazy shit around this place. A porn shoot in the conference room is nothing compared to the shit I pull. And that's when it came to me...

What's your name? I asked the man.

"Nick Zima," he said.

"You're an actor..."

His erection was now only at half-mast, so he cued the blond. She got on her knees and fluffed him back to full mast. 

 "Well, it ain't Shakespeare," he said. "But yeah, I'm an actor."

Plotkin sent me an email message on my Blackberry saying he couldn't meet because of scheduling conflict and also due to the fact that 3402 was haunted.

I sent Kornfeld a meeting invite for tomorrow at 2:00 to meet Smithee face-to-face. Looks like I won't be attending the six hour Outlook Calendar training class this Friday after all. Thanks to Nick Zima...

It's a good thing I'm crazy. 

Reader Comments (4)

Genius. Can't wait to hear about this meeting.

December 26, 2007 | Unregistered Commenteri love this blog

Nice one! BTW, I'll take the power tools off your hands.There's something about a man and power tools, but there's something spectacular about a chick and power tools--who knows how to use them, of course=)

December 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterRawDeal

Beautiful. Fucking beautiful.

~C

December 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterTildesee

Finally got around to reading this one ... genius. And McKinney too for making money off the crazy shit you pull :)

April 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

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