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« Less Painful than Expected | Main | Nick Zima »

Face Time with Alan Smithee

It was 2:10 p.m. Nick%20Zima2.jpg

Kornfeld sat tapping his fingers on the table in conference room 3402 as he looked at his watch and sighed, not believing for a moment he was actually going to meet Smithee today as I had promised. I, however, kept my hands at a very safe distance from the table that just yesterday had been used as a sex prop for McKinney's 3D porn shoot

Now both of Kornfeld's eyes were swollen and pink.

"Other goggle break too?" I asked.

He ignored the question and squinted at his watch again. Kornfeld was not worried about 3402 being haunted. He didn't believe in anything. His eyes were almost swollen shut and he didn't believe he had pink eye.

"Good afternoon, gentlemen." 

Kornfeld swiveled his head and looked up with his puffy eyes. He stood up with his mouth slightly agape. He did not expect Smithee to actually show up. And yet, there he was.

Alan Smithee looked exactly how one might imagine: strong, handsome, polished and wearing an tailored Italian suit with a white three pronged kerchief peeking out of his jacket's left breast pocket. He had a full head of brown, slightly wavy hair and a square jaw. And you could tell, even with the suit, his body was ripped. And of course, I knew without a doubt because I had seen him nearly naked on this table yesterday.

Nick Zima sat down on the same side of the table as Kornfeld, who also took his seat again. Nick took a closer look at Kornfeld's face.

"You know," Nick said. "If you go swimming, you should use goggles. Need some Visine?"

Nick pulled out a small handy bottle of Visine, but Kornfeld refused it with an appreciative smile.  

I had prepped Nick before the meeting and even told him to be 10 minutes late. We had to do it in a conference room on neutral ground because Kornfeld would never have accepted the meeting if it had been scheduled in Smithee's office. But to establish importance, Smithee would have to show up after Kornfeld.

I also told Nick to ignore his questions because Kornfeld wasn't really interested in hearing the answers; he was much more interested in hearing himself speak. So I prepared Nick with some questions to fire back at Kornfeld.

Kornfeld began: "What technology strategies do you intend to implement for '08?"

Nick looked at him for a moment as if he were going to answer, then asked:

"What goals and objectives can I expect coming out of the Finance area this coming year?"

Kornfeld eased back in his chair and started his engine. See? He'd already forgotten his own question. He talked and talked. Ah, he surely does love the sound of his own voice. After he finally sat idling again, Kornfeld pretended to be interested in Smithee:

"Financial reporting has always been an issue at this company. What do you bring to the table in terms of experience in this area of Financial support?"

Again, Nick seemed to be developing an answer in his head. But I'm sure he was just trying to remember his line.

"Tell me three things you would change about the current financial system," Nick said.

Kornfeld droned on about that topic for a while, then they went back and forth several more times. Anything that absolutely had to be discussed was handled by me. Nick just smiled and nodded, as per the plan. Then Kornfeld asked:

"What about system up-time? Can you insure me that you can stay up 24/7?"

"Absolutely," Nick said.

My eyes widened. That sounded like an answer. And that also sounded like a commitment.

"What Alan is saying," I began, but was quickly interrupted by Nick.

"That's okay, I've got this one..." Nick said.

Okay, we didn't say anything about improvisation here. In fact, I specifically told him to stick to the script or shut the fuck up. But he continued anyway:

"Up-time isn't a problem for me... Talk to any of my references and they'll tell you, I'm a man who can keep it up as long as you need it up. That's my guarantee."

Kornfeld looked at him oddly for a moment, then smiled slightly and nodded his head.

"Good," Kornfeld said. "That's what I like to hear." 

All in all, I think the meeting went very well. Regardless, Kornfeld got to meet Smithee, Bouncy Beth Bigalow got her 20% and I got out of the mandatory six hour Outlook Calendar training class. Oh, and Nick got some extra cash for an hour of work and the satisfaction that goes along with a legitimate acting gig. Well, as close to "legitimate" as he'll probably get...

I hope all parties can be discreet about this. It won't be pretty if Blair finds out I went to her boss after she refused to help me with the budget. No, that wouldn't be pretty at all...

Reader Comments (3)

This blog Rocks!!! You literally had me laughing out loud a few times with this one. Nick sounds hot =)

December 27, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterKitty Kat

Meh, what do they really need 24/7 uptime for anyways. At least nobody specified 100%. Oh yeah, we do 24/7, but we do go down now and then, you just never know when. But it's usually between three and six in the afternoon, and a lot more on Fridays.

All the same, great response.

December 28, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

Finance believes they themselves work 24/7, therefore, they need their systems up and running 24/7. I imagine they set their alarms for 3:00 a.m. occasionally, get up and log in to the system from home just to verify the system is up. If not, they get to complain about I.T. and also publicize the idea that they work very very late...

December 28, 2007 | Registered CommenterJason X

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