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New Year's Resolutions


I don't usually do this, but since this has been a stellar year and I've gotten away with much more shit than is reasonable for one man without at least getting fired or at most murdered, I've decided to list out my new year's resolutions.

  1. I will not blame everything on Smithee. Here's a man who has worked hard to build up a solid reputation at this company and if I continue to blame him for every misstep I take, he's not going to last long at this corporation. And I need him to stick around for a very long time.
  2. I will get others to cut down on swearing around the office. Since I implemented the reverse swear jar, people have increased their swearing to avoid contributing a dollar everytime they come into my office and do not swear. As such, it's not generating enough fucking revenue. Just enough to buy me lunch every day would be superb. Goddamn it. Where are all those Bible Study fuckers when you need them?
  3. I will cease attempting suicide. Sure my failed attempted suicide was all just a big misunderstanding and I would never actually take my life, but since some people don't believe me, I want to make this a formal resolution so that HR will cease making me call the suicide hotline on a regular basis (especially since Megan the Suicide Hotline Volunteer no longer works there).
  4. I will be responsive to fire drills. Unfortunately, if I cease attempting suicides (which also implies that I'll cease practicing suicide with fake fires during fire drills), Triplet from HR will not forewarn me so that I can leave before the firedrill and go get coffee at Starbucks. So I'll compromise. I will respond to the fire drill by quickly exiting by elevator instead of the stairwell and then go get coffee at Starbucks.
  5. I will not juggle more than five women at a time, and never more than one woman on a single floor. It's too much work and too dangerous. And I'm too tired. Moving on...
  6. I will rekindle my relationships with Brandi and Melanie. Because of resolution number three, they should no longer be nervous that I'll kill myself when I'm with them. Now, I know what you're thinking: Brandi, Melanie, Wheels, Athena the Lesbian, Lucia, Shannon the Licensing Coordinator, Brenda from Toys, Blendi the Virgin, and Blair make nine, which is in direct conflict with resolution number five. But... I really haven't seen Shannon the Licensing Coordinator since car sex; and if Brenda from Toys finds out about resolution number three, she won't really be interested anymore; and I have yet to find out if Athena the Lesbian has become an actual lesbian after she hooked up with Jane from Softlines at the company Christmas party; and I don't have actual intercourse with Blendi the Virgin because she's a virgin. So actually, the net total is still five. No conflict with resolution number five.
  7. I will be kinder to Mulhausen. Smithee can be the bad buy. I know, according to resolution number one, I'm not supposed to blame everything on Smithee. But when it comes to Mulhausen, Smithee is my buffer. We're playing good cop, bad cop here. And since I have much more to lose than a man who doesn't exist, I need to be good cop. As much as I hate being nice to Mulhausen, I have to remember I'm doing this me, not for him.
  8. I will not piss off Blair as much. I piss off Blair for three reasons: 1) It's an integral part of the plan. What plan? Any plan. When Blair is pissed off at me, she's out of the way for at least 24 hours. 2) The mystery reason. I have not done a goddamn thing, but she's pissed off at me anyway. I have no control over this one. 3) For the fun of it. It entertains me to piss her off. And number three is the one I'm going to cut down on.  I know.  It disappoints me too. But I figure maybe she'll cut down on number two if I cut down on number 3. Number 2 drives me crazy...

Well, those are my resolutions for 2008. I'm open to suggestions though. If there's anything else you have to contribute, let me know. As you know, I'm always a big fan of self improvement...

By the way, I don't do much for new years since everyone else is stuck doing something with their spouse or boyfriend. I myself will be enjoying a sober evening with my wife. But hopefully she'll fall asleep early so that I can get drunk and look at Internet porn.

But I'm sure the new year will bring many new adventures at the office. Wednesday should be calm though. I'm going to try to ease into the new year with all my new resolutions. I mean, what could happen on the first work day of the new year? Everyone will be recovering, right?  

Happy New Year! 

Reader Comments (2)

One day I will understand this thing between you and your wife about not having sex.... How can she not like it? I just can't understand her.

Put as a resolution making her a complete sex lover.

December 31, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

NO on the reverse swear jar! Swearing is a requirement especially when you work with a bunch of dumb fucks! I've got the worse mouth here and I don't give a fuck if it's not professional, let alone lady-like.

January 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRawDeal

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