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« Decaffeination | Main | Dereliction »
Wednesday
Aug292007

Fraternization

I was sending a fax today and Kristy warned me that it wouldn't work because the fax machine was out of toner. Bless her heart. I can get her to do anything I want. She's tall and leggy with tennis ball tits. I call her "Wheels". She's sexy, fun, and really stupid, but she doesn't get pissed off because I occasionally sleep with my wife. Blair doesn't know about Wheels, but Wheels knows about Blair. She figured it out after I inadvertently got into an elevator with both of them after work one day. We were going down to the parking garage; Blair thought I was leaving with her and Wheels thought I was leaving with her. Now that was an exhilarating moment. I left with Blair. Damage control is so much easier with Wheels.

I thought I'd talk to Blair today, but I'm still ignoring her. I did, however, talk to her boss Kornfeld. He's the Director of Finance and an angry, defensive, bitter man who somehow has a Napoleon complex even though he's 6’2”. He's also a very sickly man who will never admit he has anything, although he always has something. If it's something that will keep him from coming to work, he remains in complete denial. He once had pneumonia but insisted it was only walking pneumonia, which really just means that you feel better than you actually are. He refused to lie down even for a moment, because if he did lie down, his illness would no longer be walking pneumonia but full-blown pneumonia—which everyone knows requires weeks of bed rest. So he continued to stagger around the office until he finally collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. He's come to work with the flu, gastroenteritis, Valley Fever (which he picked up in Arizona), and even a black widow bite on his left thigh. There was a leprosy scare there for a while, but it turned out to be eczema.

Kornfeld was being completely unreasonable today. He prided himself on his ability to be unreasonable because the more unreasonable he was, the less he had to do. Being unreasonable was his way of making sure he always had nothing to do. Nobody likes dealing with an unreasonable person, and if he could prove to be the most unreasonable executive, people would avoid asking him to do anything the most. I always asked him to do things, which really pissed him off, since everyone else avoided him because he was so unreasonable. I just pretended not to notice he was being the most unreasonable executive and instead thanked him as if he was being the most reasonable executive. This frustrated him to no end.

Blair called me at the end of the day. I didn't answer. I love when she breaks first.

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