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Tuesday
Sep252007

Human Resources

I got called down to HR today because they believe I'm the antichrist.

They believe I'm the antichrist because I enjoy making them suffer, and they see themselves as the savior of all mankind. And while many employees believe HR is almighty, they do not believe HR is the savior of all mankind. I do not believe HR is almighty, nor do I believe HR is the savior of any kind. HR is not almighty because they have the fatal flaw of stupidity.

I wanted to hire someone who was asking for more money than I make. HR told me that I could not hire that person because it would create an equity issue. I said it would only be an equity issue for me, and I was okay with it. And although I said I was okay with it, I would certainly bring it up later in the year as a equity issue so that they would have to pay me more--because at that point, they wouldn't be able to pay him less.

But regardless, right now, it was not an equity issue for me. Since I do not do any of the work around here, I need to hire competent people who can do the work really well so that I look like I get a lot done even though I am doing nothing. If someone does a lot of work but the quality is crappy, I look like I do a lot of crappy work. So the person has to be good. If the person is good, they want a lot of money.

HR told me that If I could get my boss to agree to it, they would approve the hire. They knew that Mulhausen would never agree to anything I wanted, but would always agree to whatever HR wanted instead. Mulhausen's hiring strategy was the opposite of mine. He always hires people he thinks are more incompetent than himself so that he feels superior.

With a 1 - 10 competency level, 10 being the highest--Mulhausen is about a 2. That means, he typrically hires 1's. Mulhausen inherited me from another manager, so I do not fit his incompetent standards. 

But HR didn't know I would go directly to Fessler, who always agrees to anything I want, especially if it's not what Mulhausen or HR wants. Fessler called HR and agreed with me. Both HR and Mulhausen were pissed off that I went around him, which is why earlier I had Teri look for Mulhausen on a floor I knew he would not be on. It appeared that I had made an effort to look for him, but because good people go fast, I had to move on this candidate and therefore, had to get Fessler's approval. And once you get the approval from the top guy, there's no turning back.

This is not why they called me down to HR today. Technically, I hadn't done anything wrong, and once I had approval, they had to stick to their word and approve the hire. What I did do though, in an effort to validate their fears, was change my office number from 637 to 666.

They said that changing the number was defacing company property and that if I ever did it again they would take strict disciplinary measures, up to but not excluding termination.

If they only knew how I defaced company property like my own desk, they'd have me arrested. 

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