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« The Phantom Pisser | Main | User Status »
Monday
Jan142008

A Case of the Mondays

Somebody took a piss on Smithee's office door today.  guillotine.jpg

This has been a very strange Monday. Not so much for me, but definitely for Smithee.

Pangbourn, the Sr VP of Marketing, went to HR today and told Triplet, the VP of HR, that if Smithee comes within 50 yards of him he'll call security and have him shot. Triplet explained that even though he was a senior vice president, he could not have anyone shot. Pangbourn then asked for the proper approval form and said he could get Skeffington, the CEO, to sign off on the request. 

Osmund, the Sr VP of Licensing, also paid a visit to Triplet. Apparently Smithee had sent her a nude photo of himself having sex with another woman with a note that said, "This could be you." Osmund claimed that it could never be her; she would never assume the doggie position because it's demeaning to women. The only way a woman should have sex with a man is to put him beneath her and ride on top. Triplet said that she couldn't file a complaint against Smithee for implying she should fuck him doggie style, but she could complain about Smithee sending her a nude photo. 

Gladstone also went to HR to complain that Smithee called him a Kun.

Pengilly, the EVP of Licensing, shot Mulhausen a note about how rude Smithee was. Apparently he complimented him on his haircut.

Osaka, the CFO, also sent Mulhausen a message about how rude Smithee had been. There is a rumor going around that Osaka is an alien, which originated from Smithee.

And Blair... Ah, beautiful Blair... She took the direct route. She walked over to Smithee's office and said:

"I don't know what kind of woman you're used to dealing with, but I'm not the kind who takes shit from anyone. You are now officially on my 'Fuck You" list. Which means, every chance I get, I'm going to bend you over and fuck you in the ass like you're my own personal prison bitch. I'm in fucking Finance, motherfucker. And if that doesn't mean anything to you, then you're in for a real treat. Open your umbrella asshole, because there's gonna be shit storm coming your way very shortly." 

Smithee sat at his desk, eyes wide, mouth agape. He didn't know what just hit him. 

Such a strange Monday... Personally, I've been trying to help Smithee all day.

First, I sent a present to Pangbourn on Smithee's behalf. Sort of a friendly introduction. It was one of our branded clocks, the kind that ticks real loudly. Unfortunately, since Pangbourn is paranoid and believes someone is trying to kill him (unlike my situation, in which someone actually is trying to kill me), in retrospect, a clock might not have been the best intro present. After the bomb squad opened the present, a note was handed to Pangbourn which read:

I heard you like things that tick. I just wanted to introduce myself with a boom and let you know who you're dealing with. Smithee.  

I also sent Osmund the nude photo. Who could have known she had a thing against doggie style?

And I may have inadvertently told Smithee that Gladstone was Kun. He is my best friend, but they do look alike. A mistake anyone could make.

I also told Smithee to compliment Pengilly on his haircut, which unfortunately has become a sore point with Pengilly after Corning was promoted to VP of Hardlines instead of Watcock. Dang, how could I forget?

I did tell Kristy that Smithee also believed Osaka was an alien. This finally gave Kristy some credibility on the subject, so of course she started telling everyone that Smithee was on her side with this subject. It's one thing when an assistant makes this kind of allegation, but when someone at a director level does it, people start listening.

And Blair got an email from Smithee today which got right to the point:

I hear you like it hard and fast. I go zero to sixty in about 10 seconds. When do you want it?

I think if he had said that he was hung like a porn star and could fuck for hours she might have raised an eyebrow. But he didn't. For some reason. I wonder if she responded before she walked over and screamed at him. I should check, since I still have full access to his email account...

It's a strange Monday. Even so, I feel very good about it.  

Reader Comments (7)

Nice comeback very clever =)

January 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLG

Wow...and it's only Monday! Hope you didn't spend your entire wkend planning all this out and made room for a little action=P

January 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

I don't get action on the weekend Tech Babe. I'm married. So yes, I spent all weekend plotting. This is just the tip of the iceberg...

January 14, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

You are the Sun Tzu of Office politics! Hahahahah

January 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

Hah! That ass clown had it coming anyways! Did someone actually piss on his door or were you just insinuating the shit storm that followed?

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJonathan

Well played, he'll be gone in no time at all. But be sure to cover your tracks... with Smithee.

January 15, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDan

Jonathan, Good question. The answer is in the latest post...

January 16, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

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