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« How to Kill Your Boss and Still Keep Your Job | Main | A Case of the Mondays »
Tuesday
Jan152008

The Phantom Pisser

It takes a lot of anger to actually piss on someone's office door right in the middle of a work day.

Triplet found it very strange that there were no witnesses. Both security and HR were investigating the crime scene this morning and conducting employee interviews. I suggested they come up with a short list of  suspects and take urine samples to match against the sample they take from the door. 

Here's the obvious list:

  1. Pangbourn - Because Smithee sent him a bomb (well, a loud ticking clock)
  2. Osmund - Because Smithee assumed she would like the doggie position
  3. Osaka - Because that's what aliens do when they get upset
  4. Gladstone - Because Smithee called him a Kun, who is actually a Korean Accounting Manager
  5. Pengilly - Because Smithee complimented his nice haircut
  6. Blair - Because she's Blair

Any one of the executives could have had their assistants do the dirty work for them, so each assistant should be on the list as well.

While Triplet did not take my suggestion or my list of suspects, I did use the list to initiate wagering among my fellow employees. Right now Blair is favored, but I know better. If Blair were going to take a piss on something, it would have been Smithee's head. She'd want credit for it. None of this anonymous shit.

My money is on Osmund. She's got a real thing against doggie style fucking. 

Smithee was very upset by all of this. He called me into his office.

"Why does everyone hate me now? And what did I do to this Blair bitch?" he asked.

"Well, Blair's from Finance," I said. "That's the way they operate. Intimidation and humiliation. Standard Finance tactics. You didn't do anything wrong. This is business."

"Someone took a piss on my fucking door!"

"Be thankful they didn't take a shit on your desk," I said. "Business is hell. That's what they say. It's nothing like the porn industry. Where everyone is nice to each other and fucking each other and being polite... It's' a far cry."

"Well, I don't like this one bit," he said.

Exactly what I wanted to hear. His state of mind was right where I wanted it to be.

"You got some good experience under your belt. Maybe it's time to get a legitimate agent and get a real acting gig."

Smithee agreed. Or should I say, Nick Zima agreed. With all the complaints and HR and Mulhausen getting pissed off and the Phantom Pisser roaming around, Mr. Nick Zima was finally on his way out...

Now I just need to figure out how to identify the Phantom Pisser so that I can collect some dough... 

 

Reader Comments (3)

Lol at Smithee. Well played Jason.

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBob

Fucking awesome!

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Awesome!

January 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

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