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« Like a Virgin | Main | HR and Candy Bars »
Monday
Jan282008

Performance Reviews

It's performance review time again, and this year I'm pretty sure I'll be getting an good review since Alanreport_card_1.gif Smithee is sticking around to give me mine.

While I'll admit there have been some pitfalls, all in all, I have to say the advantages of making up a pretend boss that everyone believes is real, outweigh the disadvantages.

My performance review is a good example. If Alan Smithee were not my boss, Mulhausen would be filling out my performance review. Mulhausen is an idiot and believes I should be fired. While he is probably correct in thinking I should be fired, he is wrong about the reason I should be fired.

He believes I should be fired because I am an independent thinker who constantly challenges his opinion. And while I am an independent thinker, that is not the reason I constantly challenge his opinion; it's because he's consistently wrong. That's why he's an idiot. Or maybe he's consistently wrong because he's an idiot. Whatever. The point is, when I challenge his opinion, he believes this is an attempt to usurp his authority.

And while I certainly usurp his authority every chance I get, challenging his opinion has nothing to do with it; I'm not usurping his authority, I'm just pointing out that he's an idiot.  

And this is the problem with performance reviews. The intention is to provide the employee with an objective appraisal of their performance throughout the year. Instead, you get a very subjective, bias appraisal of your performance based mostly on your supervisor's level of competency, self-confidence, and of course, mental stability. Mulhausen ranks very low in all three areas.

Granted, if you stink, your performance review will also probably stink regardless. But if you're a medium to high performer, it's a crap shoot.

And most managers don't want to spend the time doing performance reviews. They've got much more important things to think about and manage.

Take me, for example. Blair is pissed off at me again, and since the User Pool is light these days, I need to make her happy so that she'll want her full body massage tomorrow night when hubby is away. As you know, this will take me considerable time and effort.

And now that Athena the Lesbian is no longer a lesbian, I'm trying to coordinate a threesome so that she can at least be Athena the Bisexual Lesbian and I can fulfill a fantasy. More time and effort.

And Blendi the Virgin is suddenly thinking about giving up her virginity, but since I don't want to be "The One", I'm trying to hook her up with Conklin, who really needs to have sex with someone who doesn't have sex with anyone, because his wife is having sex with everyone.  

But that's not as easy as it sounds. He doesn't want to have sex with a virgin because he considers that cheating on his unfaithful wife. I tried to explain to him that it would not be cheating because he doesn't really want to have sex with a virgin; he's just doing a favor for a good friend and the only person he really wants to have sex with is his unfaithful wife. So this way, he can be both a faithful husband and a faithful friend. 

I still don't have him convinced. But once Conklin has sex with Blendi the Virgin, I can then have sex with her because Conklin will be "The One", not me.

See my point? 

All of this takes a lot of time and coordination. So do I really have time to do ten quality performance reviews? No. Maybe ten sloppy reviews that ultimately will fuck my staff over since the performance rating is tied to merit increases and bonus payouts. Which is why I've asked my assistant Teri to do all the reviews for me. Now that she won't have to spend time supporting Nick Zima playing Alan Smithee, but instead, just pretend Alan Smithee, she should have plenty of time to work on the things I don't want to do. She'll do a much better job than I ever would.

Performance reviews are an important part of any successful organization. Alan Smithee will do my review and my assistant Teri will do the reviews for my staff. And I'll focus on other critical organizational issues.  

Reader Comments (1)

"Performance reviews are an important part of any successful organization."
Performance reviews are destructive all around. Employees that do well know that already, and employees that don't aren't going to get better because of it. And for everybody who doesn't get as good as they thought they were going to it lowers their moral, probably making them perform worse. And as you pointed out, managers have better things to do. Nobody cares about it anyways, beyond whether they'll get a bonus or be fired, high level managers just insist on it because they think that's what they're supposed to do.

January 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

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