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« Last Night with Blair | Main | Performance Reviews »
Tuesday
Jan292008

Like a Virgin

Conklin hasn't gotten laid since Christmas, even though his wife gets laid on a regular basis.  This was a very generous gift given there's barely enough to go around as it is. She maintains a very full queue.

I was eating chicken noodle soup the other day when Blendi the Virgin told me that she was ready to give up her virginity. I choked on a noodle, which almost came back out through my nose. And although I do not want to be "The One", I thought Conklin might enjoy sleeping with someone who was clean and pure, since his wife's snatch had about as much traffic as a motel with an hourly rate. 

Convincing Blendi the Virgin to lose her virginity to Conklin was easy. I told her that he was like a virgin himself because his wife typically only had sex with men who were not him. And although she was completely unfaithful, he was as faithful as a eunuch. I told her that he was suicidal as a result and that there would be no greater cause than to give up one's virginity to save another person's life. When I told her this, she looked up to the sky and it was as if she heard angels blowing trumpets in support of my statement. She agreed to do it.

Conklin was not so easy. Here are the lines that did not convince him in the least:

  • Cheating with a virgin IS NOT cheating.
  • Cheating on a wife who cheats IS NOT cheating (this didn't work mainly because he is not fully convinced his wife is unfaithful; in other words, he hasn't actually caught her in the act yet. He's found evidence, but has not seen it first hand and therefore does not feel he has conclusive evidence).
  • Having sex with a virgin so that your buddy won't be "The One" IS NOT cheating; it's just doing a friend a big favor.
  • Having sex with a virgin IS NOT cheating because IT IS NOT fun.
  • Having sex with a virgin IS cheating, but it's worth it because IT IS fun.
  • Having sex with a virgin IS cheating, but since she's a virgin, your wife won't care because virgins don't really enjoy it because it's their first time; just don't tell your wife.
  • While you're having sex with the virgin, your wife will be having sex with some other guy anyway (to which he yelled, "Bullshit" and I said, "Yeah, you're right, what was I thinking? Sorry about that").
  • Blendi the Virgin is suicidal because she's still a virgin and there's no greater cause than to cheat on your wife to save another person's life.

I'm still not sure how I'm going to do this. I mean, I could ask someone else to do me this favor, but then it wouldn't be the same afterwards. I can only ask someone who doesn't want to have sex with her, otherwise, I won't want to have sex with her afterwards. Only if she has sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with her, will I want to have sex with her again. Twisted but true. 

Blair was pissed at me all day until I told her that I was trying to get Conklin together with Blendi the Virgin in order to save both their lives. She thought that was really sweet and is no longer angry with me. So it looks like the full body massage is on for tonight.  

Reader Comments (9)

Jason > God.

January 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBob

Why is Conklin your friend again?! Lets face it you're a self proclaimed asshole but he seems like a good guy. There are too many people like you in this world please don't corrupt him!!!

January 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

Thanks Bob... As for you, Chrissy... Conklin is a good guy, but he's also crazy. Which is why I like him. He's very entertaining (reference "Macho Nachos" in the archive). He wishes he wasn't such a good guy because his wife is such a slut. Which is why he likes me. He'd like to be more of an asshole so that he can show his wife how it feels to be treated like shit. I'm trying to help him do just that. I feel so giving...

January 29, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

So another "business dinner" with Blair tonight, I see. Screw her brains out Jason!

And Conklin really needs to losen up or lose the cheating whore of a wife he has.

I don't like cheaters, but I do like you...moreso because you're an asshole and it's pure comic relief!

January 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Tech Babe are you Blair? You sure sound and act like her...

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJust Curious

Just Curious - No, I am not Blair. If you have been following this blog, Blair, too, is married. I am not; and don't plan on it becuase of guys like Jason.

And "act and sound like Blair?" I beg to differ. She's pretty tightly wound and requires constant attention from men, especially Jason. I, on the other hand, am pretty laid back and very easy to get along with, as long as your competence level is comparable to mine. And I don't require and beg for attention. I just get it, welcomed or unwelcomed.

Lastly, if you read Blair's profile, she's a Finance Manager, I'm an IT Manager. Very different. Outside of our zodiac sign, Blair and I are very different breeds of bitches.

Hope that clears things up for you.

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Just Curious:

Just to set the record straight from my point of view as well... No, Tech Babe and Blair are definitely not the same person. Both tend to talk like sailors, but from what I can tell, that's where the similarities end.

Tech Babe seems to view things from a very logical standpoint; she's in Technology. She's extremely rational and thorough. She has a very blunt disposition, which may be harsh for some, but she's at least honest with her thoughts. What you see is what you get...

Blair is not logical. She's in Finance. She makes numbers add up that have no business being in the same equation. She's moody, passive aggressive, extremely irrational, and unstable.

Blair certainly has her moments of sweetness, otherwise she would be unbearable. But she seems to be afflicted with multiple personality disorder; you never know which Blair you're gonna get. I am obsessed with this lunatic for some reason. It's probably because the sex is explosive. Or maybe I'm obsessed with trying to understand how her brain works because it doesn't work logically. Or maybe it's because she's so unpredictable. I don't know. But there it is...

January 30, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Jason, this is what I don't get about guys like you and some stupid girls. If you're in a bad situation that makes you unhappy why don't you just leave? Why must people resort to cheating? Conklin is not getting what he wants in his relationship so he should just leave his slutty wife!!

January 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterChrissy

Chrissy:

It should be that easy, but it's not. People usually do this kind of shit as a precursor to ending it because they don't have the balls to just walk out; or maybe they do it to force the issue by getting caught, etc. That's partly my problem, but there are other issues and inner conflicts that need to be resolved before I can make a move like that. But these issues won't be brought to light and resolved until the final season of The User Pool...

Conklin is different still. He believes he's truly in love with his cheating, slutty ass wife. He's a very long-suffering husband as a result. And he also has kids, which complicates things even further. His obsession with catching her in the act is driven by the fact that he still harbors hope that she is not really cheating on him; and if he can prove that she isn't cheating on him by never catching her in the act, he will finally be able to live in peace and harmony. "Never" is a long time, so he will also never live in peace and harmony.

People are dysfunctional. They're comfortable in their dysfunction. I don't think I could function in a good relationship because I would probably still cheat and then what excuse would I have then?

January 30, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

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