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« The Special Project | Main | Office Politics »
Monday
Jan072008

Candi Kans

I ran into Wheels, a-hem, I mean Kristy today in the hallway. I'm trying to be sensitive to the "handy capable" now that her boss Plotkin is in a wheel chair. He's now confined to a wheel chair because he fears losing the use of his legs even though he has not actually lost the use of them yet. I'll stop referring to Kristy as "Wheels" because it seems much more fitting for me to refer to Plotkin as "Wheels" now that he actually rolls down the hallway.

Kristy was wearing a skirt that I'm sure fell just outside corporate standards on acceptable attire for the workplace. The long slit running up the backside didn't help, but who's gonna say anything? I guess someone complained about Athena the Lesbian's tits, so anything is possible.

Kristy said that she finally met Smithee. She had a sparkle in her eye and a devious smile. A wave of nausea rolled over me.

I caught Smithee coming out of his office. He was on his way up to Conference room 3402 to meet with McKinney.

"You have a actual business meeting with McKinney?" I asked. 

"Not exactly," he said. "Just because I'm playing a role at this company doesn't mean I quit my day job."

Ah. So he was on his way up to continue shooting McKinney's 3D porn film.

"Don't you think that's a little risky now that you're playing Smithee full time?" I asked.

"Nobody goes up to that conference room," he said. "It's haunted."

I was tempted to set up a quick meeting with Kornfeld in 3402 just to end this charade once and for all, but that would screw over McKinney as well. Getting rid of Smithee is going to take something more subversive. Something like... Blair.

I stopped by to see Blair and the first thing she said was that she finally saw my new boss Smithee. Someone had pointed him out to her earlier that morning. She had that same sparkle in her eye that Kristy had an hour before.

I realized that a big part of my game was the way I stood out in the world of Technology because I lacked most of the geek qualities you find in abundance among its inhabitants. But now there was Alan Smithee. Better looking, bigger title, and in fact, bigger everything. This guy has got to fucking go.

"I thought you hated Smithee," I said.

"Well," Blair started. "Just like a pig with personality ceases to be a filthy animal, so does a man with personality."

"You said you saw him. How do you know he's got personality?"

"Whatever," she said and turned to leave.

But Blair bumped into someone as she tried to escape my question. The woman was tall, blond, and beautiful, dressed in a nice skirt and blouse. More conservative than Kristy's skirt, but somehow more seductive. Her lips were painted red and she had thick blue eye shadow. I recognized her, but couldn't place her right off. Was she from payroll? Maybe HR. I don't go down there much, and when I do it's a straight shot to Triplet's office.

"Excuse me," she said. "Can you tell me where conference room 3402 is?"

That's when it all came back. This was the girl from McKinney's film shoot. Apparently the recognition was mutual. She smiled and said:

"Oh, it's you. Remember me?"

Blair looked at me for the response. Her eyes were saying, You know this fucking bimbo? She crossed her arms and gave me that Blair glare.

"Yes, we met last week."

"That's right. I know I've been to conference 3402 before, but I can't remember where it is." 

Blair butted in: "The 34th floor would be a good place to start."

The woman introduced herself as Candi Kans, which really threw Blair because she's no idiot and that's not a real name. I told Candi how to find the conference room and she bounced down the hallway to the elevators.

Blair immediately wanted an explanation.

"That's Smithee's girlfriend," I said. "She's a... Well, I don't know how to say it, so I'll just say it. She's a stripper."

Blair suddenly produced a look of disgust on her face. It just hung there in suspension for a moment.

"I thought Smithee was married," she said. 

"Well," I muttered. "He is."

More disgust. And although it's no more disgusting than what we do, the thought of a man having sex with a stripper seemed to push Blair over the edge. Looks like this pig better have one charming personality, or he's back to filthy animal status. But I wouldn't count on it. Blair's my secret weapon and Smithee's persona is only going to get worse. I created him, I can destroy him...

Reader Comments (2)

Hahaha you're evil Jason...and I like it :@)

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLG

Ata' boy...work your magic!

January 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSeriouslySpeaking

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