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« HR Has a Dilemma | Main | The Green Mile »

Under the Knife

The Vasectomy was scheduled for 3:00 on Friday. I showed up, waited only a few minutes before a cute young nurse asked me to follow her to the room in which they intended to cut into my balls.

She asked me to take off my pants and hop up onto the table. I liked the sound of this, though I was too worried about my precious goodies to enjoy it or respond with something witty or offensive.

She then asked if I had shaved up around the two targets. I said, I always keep it nice and clean down there. I find retention rates among visitors tends to be much higher that way.

Okay, as nervous as I was, I had a little sexual harassment in me.

Once she saw the goods, she seemed satisfied with my handy work. She tossed a sheet of that blue paper shit over my dick and left the room.

I waited, and I waited.

The doctor came in, made a few cracks and then hooked me up with a valium drip. Ah, this will take away all my worries and lessen the pain. The doctor went away.

I waited, and I waited.

And waited.

And fell asleep.

When I awoke, the valium had worn off and the doctor was ready to go.

God damn it.

"Okay, this is for the deep visceral pain," the doctor said and produced a very large needle.

Holy shit.

He stuck it in at the base of the left ball. He took another syringe and stuck the other side too. Let me tell you my friends, that was not very pleasant. Not quite as bad as I had imagined, but not much better either.

The doctor left the room again.

It gave me time to think... Deep visceral pain...

Wait a minute...

Those shots were not the local annestisia. They were shots to ensure no deep visceral pain. Oh God. I have more injections to the balls coming...

The doctor came back in with the nurse and prepared the local anesteia. And then he stuck me again on the left side. The thing I feared the most, he was doing the most. Sticking needles into my balls.

Finally, the doctor was ready to do his dirty work. With scapel in hand, he started in on the left side. And let me tell you this: I felt that cold sharp, shiny steel blade slice into my balls as if not a drop of anestesia was used.

The doctor looked over at me, surprised that I had jerked and grunted like a stuck pig.

"Um," I said. "I just felt that."

"That's weird," he said and looked at the nurse. "Better give him some more juice."

More juice. That means another mother fucking injection in my left ball.

"That's great doc," I said. "Keep 'em coming."

And keep 'em coming he did. After the left side, he went to work on the right ball. Just for good measure, so that it didn't happen again, he gave me two shots to the right ball, straight up.

Thank you Jesus, may I have another.

As he was tugging away on the right ball tube, the nurse said, "Oops." 

Yeah, that's right. I was joking about it before the procedure, and the nurse actually says it. I looked up and said, "What did you say?"

The doctor laughed and said it was nothing. I argued, if you're cutting in and around my balls and you say Oops, it's something.

After the cutting came the burning. The smoke rising from my balls as he coderized the ends of the tubes was very strange. I said, "Don't burn anything important, okay doc?"

He finished, stitched me up, had the nurse clean me up, then told me to put my pants on and get the hell out. He chuckled to himself as he left the room.

I felt like a cheap whore who just got paid to do something humiliating and now it was time to hit the streets again.

I put on my pants and the nurse told me to have a good day. I said, "No wheel chair?" She laughed and left the room.

I walked out trying not to limp or direct anyone's attention to my crotch. It was weird. Someone just cut into my balls and I was just casually walking out.

Well folks, that's the jist. Six needles stuck in my balls to get the job done. What a joy. I've been icing for two days. I already feel recovered and good to go. The doctor warned me about that though. Take it easy, he said. You'll feel better than you are.

Must stay away from Blair. And Lucia. And Athena the Lesbian. And Maricruz. And all females. I have a feeling as much sympathy sex as I got from these women, they're all going to want to test drive the new spermless gears with just as much enthusiasm.

Reader Comments (13)

That hurt just reading about it.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlex V.

I don't have balls and reading this made me cringe. Got that little watery mouth tingle in the back of my jaw. You know, the pre-hurl watery mouth?! Owie.

October 20, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Alex: I re-read it and re-lived it and re-felt it. Yeah, I know what you mean.

TB: Owie for sure. Glad it's over though.

October 20, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

WTF... Haven't you heard about laser-based vasectomy?

Minimal pain, and only takes a few minutes. I haven't done it yet because I may still want other kids.. but it'S the way I'll go when I'll be ready.

October 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGeeks are Sexy

More than just a few minutes. And either way, they still cut your balls open with some sort of blade. Same injections too.

October 22, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

And what the hell did you wife say? You should have a job in the creative writing department! You know that my husband's doc said six months before they checked him... That was six months with sex and condoms btw.

October 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDevilbluedress

Six months??? You clean the pipes 20 times or so, go in after a few weeks and they test. Another test in another week or two. If you test twice and get zero count, you're good to go. Sounds like your doctor likes fuckin' with patients...

October 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

The things you do for love...oops, I mean a lay!

October 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterHollystarPR

... A safe lay!

October 28, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Ahhh I feel so bad for you. If it wasn't for the fact that you have way too much sympathy sex going on now I'd tell you my sig tag line that I use where people need to know what an incredibly sexual old lady I am. Oh, what the hell. I'll tell you anyway.

"Men always tell me I have great eyes. Until they meet my tongue."

It's true. They do say that. ;) Glad you're feeling better and the needles and smoke and cutting into your nuts went okay!

October 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

I would be full out crying. Jesus Christ that sounds so god awful.

September 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

I'll just keep with the rubbers thank you. Needles to my sack... fuck that .

September 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterONESLYONE

M: It was not fun. That's for sure.

ONESLYONE: Needles are definitely not fun. But rubbers suck ass and pregnant crazy bitches suck even worse.

September 20, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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