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« Obama Vs. McCain | Main | Fernandez and His Lazy Eye »
Friday
Oct312008

Halloween 2008

Just like last Halloween, all the women in my building dressed like sluts. Same costumes, but they just mixed it up a bit.

Blair dressed like a sexy nurse. Brandi dressed like a sexy pirate. Melanie dressed like a sexy stewardess. Lucia dressed like a sexy bar maid. Shannon dressed like a sexy hooker. Athena the Lesbian dressed like a sexy Lesbian hooker. Wheels dressed like a sexy vampire. And Allison dressed like a sexy slut again.

In addition, Maricruz dressed like a sexy angel, Zenda the Perisan dressed like a sexy devil, Chelsea the Intern dressed like a sexy school girl, Blendi the Unvirgin dressed like a sexy Girl Scout, and apropo, Fiona the Cunt dressed like a sexy witch. 

There was one exception. Tefft dressed like a plumber. Not sexy.

Speaking of Tefft, she was again in charge of the festivities

This year, she decided to dedicate our Halloween celebration to the Salem Witch Trials of 1692.

Over 150 people were arrested and imprisoned, with even more accused who were not formally pursued by the authorities. The two courts convicted twenty-nine innocent people of the capital felony of witchcraft. Nineteen of the accused, fourteen women and five men, were hanged, including my 11th great grandmother Susannah Martin.

For Tefft, however, this was the great event in our history in which we finally rid the Earth of the last remaining real witches in existence. 

I told Tefft that unfortunately, we did not rid the Earth of all witches at that time; that there were still witches today called "Wickens" who belong to the Wicca religion.  

She was shocked. 

I told her that a witch today could be anyone, then I quickly scanned the immediate area as if they were all around us. Tefft dropped her jaw and suddenly looked nauseated. 

"How can we tell if someone is a witch?" she asked.

"If you suspect someone, burn her," I said. "Witches are made of wood. If she burns, she's a witch."

"Yeah, but people burn too," she said.

"Yeah, but not as fast."

She didn't feel comfortable setting people on fire, so I offered another option:

"Tie her up and throw her into a lake. See if she sinks or floats. If she sinks and drowns, well... She wasn't a witch. But if she floats like wood--she's a witch and then we can burn her."

"We don't have a lake," Tefft said.

I then told her that another way to identify a witch is by checking out her tits. If her tits were slack, that was a clear indication that she's recently been visited by a "familiar" for a suckle. 

Whatever that means.

I then pointed out that not only was Fiona the Cunt dressed like a witch, her tits seemed to be sagging slightly. 

Tefft began watching Fiona the Cunt with a very suspicious eye. She struck up conversation with her, discretely examining her breasts as they spoke.

Luckily, we work at a film studio where they serve alcohol at events like this, even in the middle of a work day. Once Tefft had enough to drink and was absolutely positive after a thorough breast exam, she burst out with the accusation pointing wildly at Fiona the Cunt with a very serious and zealous look on her face:

"Witch! She's a witch!"

Nobody knew what to make of this, since Fiona the Cunt was, in fact, dressed like a witch for Halloween.

It certainly made my Halloween at the office extremely enjoyable.

Reader Comments (8)

And this is why I <3 Halloween. It's the one time of year where chicks, are not only encouraged, but it is acceptable to dress up like sluts!!!

I was Poke-A-Hot-Ass and didn't get sent to HR! Thought you'd be proud Jason=)

October 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

It's my birthday. I wore regular work clothes and ate cinnamon roll cheesecake for breakfast while my dept sang Happy Birthday. When I got home I put on my Blogography shirt, Zombies Ate My Brain, and went to dinner with the kids. The only thing that happened at work was the president was asked if the extra security we put on for Halloween was bringing the dogs. She didn't know so the subject was dropped. Boooooooring. On an up note, I'm still flying high from getting a contract yesterday. That beats the fuck out of Halloween and birthday and costumes and free booze in my book! Happy Halloween!

October 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Tech Babe, I encourage women to dress like sluts every day of the year. It's always acceptable to me.

Winter: Happy Birthday! Sucks to share it with an attention whore like Halloween. But congrats on the contract! Good job!

November 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I'm in Boston, which as you all know is highly populated with beautiful co eds. What's better than that? Halloween, when they litter the streets with their drunken pants-less, high skirted, fish net wearing escapades. It's safe to say i enjoyed my All Hallow's Eve.

November 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNnamdi

Nnamdi: Someone should institutionalize "Dress like a Hoe" Fridays so that we can get that kind of action on a more regular basis....

November 3, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Fish Net Fridays would work too! (And it's 'Ho' not 'Hoe' Jason.)

November 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Tech Babe: Ah, thanks. I'll spare you my come back. Oh, and it's "Fishnet" not "Fish Net". I would know... Heh heh.

November 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Ah yes the witch bit from Monty Python's Holy Grail.

September 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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