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« How to Avoid Technical Discussions When You Work in Technology | Main | Obama Vs. McCain »
Saturday
Nov082008

All-Day Meetings

What I like about all-day meetings is that I hate them.

The fact that I hate all-day meetings motivates me to come up with creative ways to entertain myself throughout the painfully boring ordeal. The more I entertain myself, the more I enjoy the thing I hate.

I had two all-day meetings in a row this last week. And I really enjoyed myself.

These were pre-budget planning meetings. Mulhausen and Fernandez were there. Blair and Kornfeld were also in the meeting representing Finance. Plotkin was there representing Accounting. There were a few other miscellaneous analysts and my own PM, Wiener from Fucking Austria.

I also invited Chelsea the Intern to take notes. I thought she might come in handy as a distraction for Mulhausen, Fernandez, Plotkin and Kornfeld. This unfortunately backfired, because it mostly distracted Blair.

I tasked Chelsea to make eyes at Mulhausen, who desperately needs to get laid. Somehow Blair interpreted Chelsea making eyes at Mulhausen as Chelsea making eyes at me. Blair quickly sent me a text message instructing me to never speak to her again. I responded by asking her if that included speaking to her about the budget in this meeting. She said yes.

While Blair breaking it off with me via text right in the middle of the meeting was certainly entertaining, it wasn't nearly enough to sustain me for the rest of the day. I decided I needed to pit Mulhausen and Fernandez against each other by scutinizing the line items and calling out inequities.

I really got some good arguments going about the numbers, but the most entertaining and least significant was the argument about the line item for office supplies.

Mulhausen always has the smallest budget for office supplies because he believes he can put the money he saves on office supplies to better use somewhere else. Fernandez always has the largest budget for office supplies because he believes the more office supplies you have, the more efficient you can be.

I quickly noticed that Fessler had combined the office supplies line item for both domestic and international into one. I also quickly pointed that out to Mulhausen and Fernandez. Then I sat back and watched them argue that number for the next half hour.

Even that got boring after a little while, so I sent a text to Blair and told her I wanted to crawl up her skirt right then and there and give her something to squeal about.

This made her smile. And it made her decide I could start speaking to her again.

Blair's boss Kornfeld looked just as sickly as usual. Plotkin was still healthy as a horse, even though he was also still in the wheelchair. I felt it was time for him to walk again, so I decided to scare him with a minor bee swarm. Plotkin fears bees because he believes he is alergic to them and a single sting could kill him. While Plotkin desperately wants to be sickly like Kornfeld, he does not want to be dead.

I sent a message to Maharajapuram and told him to go outside and catch a few bees, then come back and let them loose in the conference room we were in. Maharajapuram is a programmer on my staff who will do anything I tell him to do. Without question.

While I was waiting, I decided to derail the argument I had started over the office supplies.

"Wiener," I said. "Is that your Fucking pen?"

Mulhausen and Fernandez both stopped and looked at me shocked and disgusted. I looked at them with equal surprise.

"What?" I asked. "It's not a company pen. I thought maybe he brought if from his home town."

This made Chelsea giggle, which pissed off Blair because she doesn't like when I make women giggle. Especially if she thinks it's a fuck me giggle, which she definitely thought this was.

A moment later, I received a text from Blair asking me why I don't just go fuck the intern and get it over with. I started to respond, but before I could finish I got another text from her telling me to never speak to her again OR text her again.

Surprisingly, it didn't take Maharajapuram very long to capture 3 bees. I saw the conference room door open just slightly and then buzz buzz...

I wanted Plotkin to notice first, but Chelsea the Intern saw them first, which worked out just fine because apparently she's also deathly afraid of bees. So her reaction was fucking beautiful. She literally let out a scream and jumped out of her chair waving her hands wildly.

Plotkin didn't understand what was causing this reaction at first, but when he saw the bees, he screamed just as loudly as Chelsea had screamed. And he jumped out of his wheelchair even quicker. He was out the door and down the hall before you could say, praise the Lord, I'm cured.

Hallelujah.

The bees worked out nicely because we also got to take lunch early.

More of the same the next day, including getting back together with Blair via text messaging. And this was only pre-budget planning. Wait until we start doing the actual budgets.

Yeah, I can't wait either...

Reader Comments (11)

Honey will you do a guest spot in some of my staff meetings? Pretty please?

November 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Duchess

The thing I hate about all day meetings is they like to keep you over lunch and buy you a sandwich. Whereas if I weren't stuck in a meeting I could go somewhere with good food for lunch, and I don't give a shit if I have to pay for it. >_>

November 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

Duchess: Would love to show up at one of your staff meetings and cause conflict. If you can get me in, I'll show up.

Fishy5: I hate that too. Last week they brought in sandwiches for the meeting on Thursday. I bring in lunch for my staff every Thursday as well. My assistant brought in BBQ for them. I, of course, excused myself and ate with the staff.

November 9, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Just had one of those this past week. Meeting topic? Production Deficiencies and Budget Overages. And BTW, meeting was catered with a full tri-tip spread and dinner at some foo-foo French bistro after I just spent an entire day with these assholes.

November 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

In my native tongue all-day-meetings is roughly translated to a free lunch and a 4 hour nap. Some of the words there may be lost in translation but you get the gist.

November 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNnamdi

Nnamdi, that's about the size of it. If we could just figure out how to actually snooze while appearing to be awake and listening, we'd have it made...

November 11, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

bwahaha, it sounds like you really had a very limited or no role in the meeting. Why the hell was it all day long? I got bored just reading the few details you included. Sounds like you made some good choices on how to entertain yourself. Kudos.

November 12, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterkeenahn

I had to be there. A few key moments to ensure I got critical budget amounts included for next year. Otherwise, yes, a waste...

November 12, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

You should wear sunglasses so you can sleep while appearing to be awake. You know, like in The Professional.

November 18, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSabina

That's true. Plus, I'd look really cool.

November 18, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Wow, this reminds me of the first prank I pulled at age 7. I more or less believe in Karma when it comes to killing a bug, so I would trap them under dixie cups and ultimately make somebody else deal with it. Seriously, being squished under a shoe is a fucked up way to die. I had trapped a really fat fly under a dixie cup and was simultaneously trying to figure out a way to get back at my brother for something without having it be traced back to me. I ended up taking the fly and putting it in the far corner of his pillow case so when he laid his head down it would buzz in his ear and freak him out. It worked and scared the shit out of him he came running out of his room and no one could really explain how the fly got in there.

September 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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