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Today I felt it was time my imaginary boss Smithee felt it was time to meet with me for a one-on-one.  

The purpose of the one-on-one is to spend some quality time with your direct report so that:

  •  The direct report thinks the boss gives a shit
  • The direct report doesn't feel neglected
  • The direct report feels like he/she matters
  • The boss knows what the fuck the direct report is up to
  • Other people see the two behind closed doors and think they're plotting against them

News travels fast. Since nobody has seen Smithee since I hired Nick Zima to pretend to be my imaginary boss so that nobody would think he was imaginary, people started milling around the office waiting for the meeting to take place so that they could once again validate that the person they never catch a glimpse of really exists. 

Both Mulhausen and Fernandez were also both watching closely, since Smithee is a direct report to both of them and neither has ever had a one-on-one with him. 

The iPhone has an application that will ring you back so that you can pretend to get a call from someone like Smithee, who really isn't there. Then you can excuse yourself from meetings, dates, etc.

My iPhone rang and guess who it was?

"Hey, Smithee," I said into the phone. "I thought we were having a one-on-one..."

I nodded my head and pretended to listen. I noticed everyone milling around was leaning in slightly as if also trying to hear the inigma's voice. 

"Oh," I responded. "You want to meet offsite for lunch? Sure, that sounds good." 

I hung up the phone and headed to the door. Both Mulhausen and Fernandez intercepted and asked where I was headed for lunch. I told them it was a one-on-one, not a foursome.

By the way, I've never had a foursome, but it's on my list. And when it happens, I guarentee it won't include Mulhausen and Fernandez. 

I drove to the park, parked my car and walked over to the picnic table by the tree in which I typically have sex with Blair on warm, dark nights. 

I sat there, stared off somewhere. I was all alone at the park for the first time. 

It was strange spending time with myself like that. But maybe something a person should do from time to time. 

I felt calm. At peace with myself despite... Well, despite everything. 

It was a good one-on-one. And while Smithee doesn't actually exist, he does exist on paper and as such, he can give a direct report a well deserved raise for all his contributions to the company. 

Smithee is going to start the paperwork tomorrow.

I like the one-on-one. Makes me feel wanted.

Reader Comments (5)

I wish I had an imaginary boss so I could give myself a well-deserved raise. And I hate one-on-ones.

December 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

I only like one-on-ones with Smithee. Somehow, he makes it enjoyable.

December 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

That's just messed up...I honestly never know what to believe in this blog and what you just make up for your own amusement... :P

December 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Duchess

That's the reason I made him up. For my own amusement. And he's come in quite handy.

December 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I like it. Redefines one-on-ones...a time to reflect.

December 12, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

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