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« Holiday Party 08 - Part 2 | Main | Holiday Party Prep »

Holiday Party 08 - Part I

Since last year's theme was so dark and dismal, Tefft was instructed to keep things light this year. So instead of celebrating the forthcoming apocalypse again, she chose to highlight "Christmas in Iraq". 

The committee approved this theme thinking its purpose was to recognize the men and women of the armed forces who are currently stuck there for the holidays. 

Not quite.

Tefft believes Iraq will become the 51st state. As such, she believes we will be forcing them to embrace our Judeo-Christian traditions. 

Tefft asked her Indian programmers to attend the holiday party wearing traditional Iraqi apparel. They reminded her that they are Indian, not Iraqi. She said, Close enough. 

GladstoneConklinPetrizzoMcKinneyKessler and I all arrived about the same time, around 5:00. Each man with his own mission. Mine was simple: from a list of four, hit it with one. 

Why do my simple plans always somehow create chaos? 

Let's start with Ha-Neul the Hardlines Coordinator... Apparently, it doesn't take much to get her lit. She told me that she doesn't normally drink. I hate when women don't drink. Makes my job that much more difficult. I told her to do two quick shots, then she'd be good for the night.

Holy Jekyll and Hyde. 

It took about five minutes to take full effect, then she dragged me out to the dance floor, suddenly broke into this stripper dance and used my leg as the pole. 

That's right. Meek and humble Ha-Neul. 

Apparently the pre-work that I did this week had its effect in a big way, which I did not expect. Minoo the HR Coordinator was on the dance floor right by me, saw Ha-Neul treating me like a Disneyland ride and decided she had an express pass. The HR coordinator started grinding on me from behind, making me a Ha-Neul/Minoo sandwich. 

Okay, if Ha-Neul wasn't bad enough, this was a fucking spectacle. I'm not big on public displays of affection, especially in front of the entire workforce--but more importantly, not where Blair can see me.

Granted, Blair was already pissed at me because I made fun of her fat cousin. That always sets her off for a few days, but an easily recoverable situation. Finding me in-between two drunk women getting rug burns on my thighs from their coochies wouldn't be an easy thing to repair. 

As soon as the song ended, I fled the dance floor. Odd thing, me running away from two drunk and horny women. But it had to be done.

I ran into Jenny Pengilly's Assistant, but she was already making time with Szymanski, my arch enemy and chief competition. Did that little fucker get a hold of my Christmas wish list?

Then holy fuck!

I had been avoiding Blair the whole time, but then there they were: Blair and Maricruz, still with that I'm on a date and thinking about getting laid look on their faces. They were on the dance floor, looking all bi-curious. And it wasn't just me. I noticed other guys staring.

Perfect. Keep yourselves busy. I need to find Lecia Manager of Home Furnishings.

When I found her, she was drinking and all giggly with fucking Gladstone. I made the mistake of telling her she only likes black guys. What happened to bros before hos, motherfucker?

Time to find Ha-Neul and get her alone.

I found her. And she was whacked out of her mind. I told her she shouldn't drink. Ever. 

She grabbed my crotch and told me she wanted to fuck me. 

I got her another drink. 

I found one of the pre-selected conference rooms and was about to take charge and throw her on top of the table and get all manly on her, but instead... She threw me on top of the table, got on top and started riding me like I was a mechanical bull trying to throw her off. 

After a few minutes of this simulated fucking, she got off and yanked my pants off. She started with my thighs. No kissing; fucking biting. She gnawed on my thigh like it was corn on the cob. 

Holy shit, it was like our plane went down in the Andes and she didn't even have the courtesy to wait until I was dead to start feeding on me. 

We fucked. Hard. No matter what position, she always seemed to find a way to sink her canines into me. 

I walked out of that conference room sore and beaten down. 

Ha-Neul was no longer Ha-Neul the Hardlines Coordinator; she would now be known as, Ha-Neul the Cannibal

I accomplished my mission. However, the night was not over. Not even close... 

Reader Comments (23)

It's always the Asian chicks Jason. Sweet, innocent, introverted, with a few inserts of 'fuck me' giggles here and there. But we...I mean THEY...they actually mean 'fuck me and fuck me hard or else I'll eat you alive!' I want fangs now.

December 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

Gotta watch out for the quiet ones.

December 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Asian & white chicks are overrated.

Go for Lecia, you know what they say " the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice" . I'm sure she would love some cream in her coffee...

December 22, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterbrown sugar

Tech Babe: You sound like a biter too. I like your enthusiasm. It's so forceful. I feel like brawling with you.

Matt: Don't I know it.

Brown Sugar: I like your metaphors. And I already took your advice. You'll have to read Part II, coming up.

(Maybe we'll get to see a cat fight between Tech Babe and Brown Sugar over which ethnicity fucks the best)

December 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I'm often mistaken for a black chick or a halfer. So there you have of both worlds. And no, I've got enough class to not pull out the race card. It's the twenty-first fucking century!! (I didn't say my mouth had class.)

December 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

Did they change the definition of "class" lately ???? Just checking....

December 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterbrown sugar

Oh shit.

December 23, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Oooh, it's ON! *grabs popcorn and takes a seat*

December 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Guess it depends who "they" are. Maybe not in your neighborhood.

December 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Trust me...I know what class means, which is why I'm still questioning your claim of actually having some. Maybe Santa will bring you some this year...

Merry Christmas !

December 24, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterbrown sugar

I'm with Far, just gonna watch this one and snack on popcorn. Though Tech-Babe, you can always tap me in if you need some help. I already told Jason my opinion on this thread.

Jason: Post Part II already! I need some entertainment.

BrownSugar: TechBabe has class, but like she said, her mouth doesn't.

December 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

Careful Brown Sugar...I know where you work. And they aren't particularly keen on Castmembers perusing blog sites during hours of supposed productivity. TRUST that.

Happy Kwanza!

December 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Brown Sugar, you're fun.

Tech Babe, you're up.

DaNanner, I'm snowed in for the winter! Cabin Fever! I'll come up with something to do. Something wouldn't get Santa's approval.

December 24, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X


When was the last time you actually did something nice enough to get on Santa's list? Though you know, you might get a kick out of this: A Gift For Santa and the Mrs.

December 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

I like it. Especially for the Mrs under "Ho ho ho".

December 24, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X


December 24, 2008 | Unregistered Commenternadzb21

Hi Ho Hi Ho Hi Ho.... :)

And no Tech Babe, I wasn't saying "hi" to you....

December 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrown Sugar

Didn't think so, since you really don't know me. Besides, any chick that calls another chick, whom she knows nothing about, a 'ho,' is fat and ugly.

December 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Way to go there on stereotyping Brown Sugar... < /sarcasm >

December 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFar

Can't we all just get along? (You're up Brown Sugar).

December 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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