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« T'was the Nightmare Before Xmas | Main | Holiday Party 08 - Part I »

Holiday Party 08 - Part 2

After I had been eaten alive by Ha-Neul the Cannibal, I felt the need for another drink. All my precious bodily fluids had been sapped dry so I needed to refuel. Water first, then alcohol. 

On the way to the bar, I felt someone grab my ass. This sort of thing for a guy is nothing like it is for a woman. No guy gives a shit if a woman grabs his ass. It does get your attention though. 

I turned around and found Jenny Pengilly's Assistant, standing behind me with a drink in her hand, smiling like a kid who got their hand caught in the cookie jar. She was nice and buzzed. 

"Hey Jenny," I said. "Where's your friend Szymanski?"

She grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me close: "First of all... Call me Jeni-Fire." 

Then she licked my neck.

"Second," she said. "He's an ass."

Szymanski had a way of fucking himself with his own game. He's too fucking forward. He's a single guy who doesn't have anything to lose. I cannot afford to be anything but subtle. I open the door and let the woman know she's welcome to walk through it. And someone who goes by "Jeni-Fire" will most likely go for it.

But before she made it across the threshold, Lecia Manager of Home Furnishings walked up and gave me a nudge. She said, Let's dance and pulled me onto the dance floor. 

Pussy block.

What happened to Gladstone?

Okay, maybe I judged my good friend a little too quickly. Apparently, Gladstone was feeding her all kinds of cool shit about me so that I, as a white man, could close the deal with the woman who only had interest in black men. 

She walked away from that conversation with Gladstone with a crazy ass white boy fetish. And I was now her prop. You can't go wrong with a drunk woman who suddenly has a Jason fetish because his good friend brainwashed her. 

Conference room number 2.

Lecia was not a biter as I had thought, thank God, since Ha-Neul the Cannibal had taken that role.

Lecia did like to be spanked, and she wanted the end to be really dirty. I thought of all the dirty porn shit I had seen and attempted to emulate. I did okay, considering we were both drunk. Seemed dirty at the time. 

I was surprised I was actually able to do it so soon after Ha-Neul and so much tequila. I didn't think I could do it a third time, even though the two other women on my wish list seemed to be up for it.

Back at the bar, I did shots with GladstoneConklinPetrizzoMcKinney, and Kessler. They gave me their updates:

  • Gladstone: Got a blowjob from his own employee; Maria the Analyst. He said it was okay to get a blow job from your employee, you just can't fuck them. Fucking is too emotional; blow jobs keeps it on a business level.
  • Conklin: Got a hand job under the table from Bertha the Anorexic, who wasn't eating anyway and needed something to do.
  • Petrizzo: Made out with Zenda the Persian. He wanted to check with me before he had sex with her, since she was a member of my user pool. I said, no prob. She was always too worried about being the office slut to be effective, so I had crossed her off the list a while ago. 
  • McKinney: Talent scouting for his next film. Since Fiona the Cunt had the original print of his 3D porn film, he decided to shoot another.  
  • Kessler: Already fucked someone in one of the sound studios but wouldn't tell us who. Not because she was an embarrassment. It was something else. Not sure what yet...

Several women came looking for me, including Blendi the Unvirgin, Athena the Lesbian, and Lucia

I pretended to be too drunk to perform, so they eventually lost interest. 

I went after Jeni-Fire again, and decided the sound stage idea was a good one. We started going at it on the floor of one of the game show sets, but one thing I didn't think about was how dark and creepy it would be. And then I heard a noise.

"Oh shit," she said. "I hope he didn't follow us here." 

Turns out Jeni-Fire had been sleeping with Pangbourn but she had to break it off with him because he was too paranoid she was always sleeping with someone else. And although he was also paranoid someone was always trying to kill him, she became paranoid that he was always trying to kill her. 

Now I was paranoid too.

Someone else was definitely in that sound stage with us. We crawled around the back of the stage, freaked each other out and ran like scared children. I imagined Pangbourn with an axe. It was suddenly Prom Night at the Holiday party. Well, in my mind it was. 

We stumbled around in the dark making all kinds of fucking noise trying to get out of there. If it had been Pangbourn with an axe, we'd be kindling wood before we ever saw the light of the party again.

We got out, went our separate ways for safety sake, and I went straight to the bar.

Minoo the HR Coordinator found me there. I figured, what the fuck? One more to go on the wish list.

We must have done four shots of tequila in a row. That's when I blacked out. 


I woke up the next morning in the gutter. Well, it was another sound stage set; it was a 1920's New York street. I was in the fake gutter.

A couple of Grips were snickering as they gripped shit and watched me arise from the dead. 

I looked and felt like shit... Another Holiday party success.

I have no idea what happened with me and Minoo the HR Coordinator. But all in all, I'd have to say it was another good Holiday party. Looking forward to Holiday party '09...

Reader Comments (14)

"Seemed dirty at the time."

Elaborate, I'm guessing this is hilarious

December 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterZorro

Is it strange that I'm jealous of waking up in a sound stage gutter, and not much else? And now it wouldn't even count if I got wasted and did the same. :<

December 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

Zorro: for one, I put her panties over my head. Wasn't really dirty or sexy, but drunk as we were, seemed to turn her on somehow.

Fishy5: I bet you have strange locations you've woken up in that you're proud to call your own. Feel free to share.

December 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

You exhaust me.

December 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

I woke up in my back yard once with no pants and an almost empty handle of vodka.

December 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

I do that a lot. Not waking up in the backyard; the no pants and vodka.

December 23, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Not really. Usually just someone else's bed. Once next to a hot tub. Under a table or two. Nothing like a fake gutter.

Also, no matter how much I drink, I never black out, and I don't get a hangover. I guess it's a gift. >_>

December 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

Got to find out what happened during the black out period.

December 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAlex

If I don't eat anything and start doing shots, I black out. Every time. It's weird. Because I'll be sitting there drinking and the next thing I know, the friendly waitress is now pissed as fuck and wants me thrown out. I have no idea why.

Yeah, I'd like to know what happened. If I find out anything, it'll be after Jan. 5.

December 23, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

I'll treat you to shots :-D 1 tequila, 2 tequila, .... and video tape the blackout for you.

December 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

That's a great proposal. I'll ignore what you said on Twitter...

December 24, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

Ignore away. I can hold my tequila and then some. I will just have to worry about holding the camera straight between fits of laughter.

December 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

I'll be holding the camera. You'll be busy.

December 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Count me in on the tequila...

December 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFar

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