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« Immaturbia | Main | Home Alone »
Monday
Dec292008

The Jason X Shining

After my finger started talking to me the day before, I realized yesterday that cabin fever might be creeping in. 

9:00 am. 

I got up, took a leak, then sat down at the computer and went straight to Twitter. But that box that only contains up to 140 characters just stared back at me and asking, "What are you doing?"

What the fuck am I doing? I didn't have the answer. I couldn't write anything. I had writers block. I needed some coffee. A Starbucks triple shot; maybe even a quad. But there was no fucking way I was leaving the house to go get some. Not in this blistering cold Southern California weather. It was nearly 64 degrees outside.

I sat and stared at the computer screen for what seemed like hours.

9:08 am.

I got up from the computer, went into the family room and turned on the tube. Nobody else was in the house. Or at least that's what I thought. 

"What would you like, sir?"

I turned and looked toward the kitchen; behind the counter was Chelsea the Intern dressed like a Starbucks employee. I walked over, stepped up to the bar, rubbed my eyes and smiled. 

"The usual Chelsea," I said.

She smiled back. "Triple or quad?"

"Better make it a quad," I said. "Things are a little... Tense around here."

Chelsea the Starbucks Employee rang me up. "$4.95," she said.

I checked my Xmas jammies for my wallet. I looked up at Chelsea and said, "I'm a little light, Chels."

"That's okay," she said. "You're my pimp baby. You never pay."

Then she fixed me up a nice quad venti non-fat no whip, no foam, holiday pumpkin spice latte. I took a sip. Mmmmmm. This couldn't be real. Maybe I was still delirious from the NyQuil. Or maybe it was the cabin fever. Regardless, it tasted real and set me at ease.

11:32 am.

The wife came home and told me there was a problem with the tub in the bathroom upstairs. Apparently the water wouldn't drain and the problem had become a real bitch.

I went upstairs and found Blair sitting naked in the tub.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I screamed in a whisper.

She just stood up all naked and hot, water dripping off her body. She walked over and started kissing me. I was worried about my wife walking in, but not that worried. Not enough to stop. 

I looked at Blair's body in the mirror and suddenly realized that wasn't Blair's body. Something was wrong. I pulled back and realized I had been kissing Triplet, the VP of HR. Disgusting!

I took a second look and realized Triplet's tits are pretty hot. 

2:11 pm.

I see twin babes standing by the double doors to the den. Damn, I'd love to do a couple of twins.

The double doors open and red liquid comes pouring out. Is that blood...? No, it's vodka cranberry. Reminds me that it's almost time to start drinking.

3:40 pm.

I go to the bathroom. After I finish pissing I turn and see Smithee standing there. Now I know I'm going stir crazy; my imaginary boss has suddenly become real, in a pretend sort of way.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I don't know?" I said. "Twitter has been asking me that all day."

"But you know what you should be doing," he said. "You need to get rid of your wife."

"Holy shit!" I blurted out. "You mean kill her?"

"No, idiot," he said. "Get her out of the house for a while." 

Since I wouldn't go see Valkyrie with her, I suggested she go with a friend. That would give me two hours alone, guaranteed. She took the bait.

5:00 pm.

Blair and I are going at it like animals. This is dangerous. And stupid. But fun as fucking hell. Insanity has taken complete control now. 

7:14 pm. 

I have become a part of the house now. I have always been a part of the house. I always will be a part of the house...

At least I can Twitter again. 

 

Reader Comments (13)

Looks like the creepy picture from the main galleria at the Biltmore.

December 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPFont

Jason....

You are experiencing withdrawal syndrome: alcohol and sex....
My suggestion is that you return to work before end up in the ER... Valium can only work so much....

December 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLenore

Insanity works well with you

December 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNnamdi

Like Thompson, with less drugs and more hallucinations.

December 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

Pfont: I had a department xmas party at the Biltmore once. I might have brought something creepy home with me.

Lenore: Withdrawal yes. But I got my fix yesterday. And I think I'll be getting another fix tonight. I can work this holiday thing out, I know I can...

Nnamdi: It does. But if I start believing my fake boss is real like everyone else at work, I'll be scared. There's a fine line between insanity and idiocy.

Fishy5: My next post: "Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles." Unless I can make it to Jan 5.

December 29, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

God damn, how much time in-between women did you have? You're lucky if there's no "sightings" of "prior visitors".

wink wink nudge nudge

December 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterZorro

Wow. You must really be going crazy if you're considering drinking shitty Starbucks coffee.

December 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSabina

Zorro: Yes, good thing. Lucky I'm the one who went insane. All I need is a psychotic woman showing up at my place.

Sabina: You must be from New York.

December 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I'd kind of like to see that movie...(because that was of course the point of this post ;p)

December 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Duchess

Yes, the story of my slow decent into insanity over the course of a couple of days. Maybe even minutes.

December 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Woah hey, I'm from New York and love starbucks

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterNnamdi

Nnamdi: Sabrina strikes me as a priss from NY. Good fucker though. And she has a great blog where she writes about it. And no offense to New Yorkers... Well, except the ones I like to offend. Not you though, my friend. And especially since you love Starbucks.

December 31, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

How did I miss this one? Oh yeah, I was dying in LB. Anywho,

Totally unrelated but,in case you missed the tweet, I have nominated you for a Lemonade Blog award.

Happy New Year!!!!!

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterdaNanner

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