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Yesterday, I felt the walls closing in on me. So I decided to do something productive with my time. I started spying on the neighbors. 

I started with the Ricketts to the left of my house. First off, what kind of name is "Ricketts"? That was the first thing that annoyed me. 

Mr. Ricketts was obviously off work this week too. He chose to spend his time working in the yard and doing some sort of handiwork in the garage. That was the second thing that annoyed me.

When neighbors spend their time off working on home improvement, it makes me look like the slacker I am. Then I get shit for it. Sure it might raise the value of my home; sure it might help me keep my sanity; but hell if I'm going to spend my time off work, working.

I'd rather spy on the neighbors.

To the right of my house is the Foote household. When referring to all of them, I call them the Feete. 

Like me, Mr. Foote is unproductive with his time off. However, he is a sports fanatic and with his Direct TV sports ticket or whatever the fuck it's called, he's always watching some sort of sporting event drinking beer and eating nachos and screaming at the top of his lungs.

Mrs. Foote is in real estate and never home.  They have a teenage Goth daughter who spends her time with her Goth boyfriend in the driveway kissing against his Goth car. Someone should complain to the HOA; it's a major eyesore. 

Across the street are the Simpsons. That's right. The fucking Simpsons. Except Mrs. Simpson doesn't have blue hair and she's a hot piece of ass.

I don't know exactly what Mr. Simpson does for a living, but whatever it is, he has a very erratic and unpredictable schedule. So I fuck Mrs. Simpson rarely and only when I feel I won't get caught; this is way too close to home. 

Mrs. Simpson, however, would like to fuck everyday. And to entice me to come over, she does things in her window and in her front yard that get my attention. Things like watering the shrubs in tight shorts and bending over a lot. These activities also attract the attention of both Mr. Ricketts and Mr. Foote. 

Sometimes I'm more entertained by watching them watch her than I am watching her. Nah, that's not true. But they are also entertaining.

The more I thought about Mr. Ricketts working on his home, the more I wanted to terrorize them. I watched Mr. Ricketts water his flowers at the side of the house. Once he was back in his garage and Mrs. Simpson started a striptease in her living room, I ran outside, over to the side of the house, unzipped and peed on his precious flowers.

Hopefully the neighbors were all focused on Mrs. Simpson while I performed this random act of terrorism. However, I did notice Mrs. Simpson was watching. She seemed confused.

I ran back into the house and snickered.

Once Mr. Ricketts closed his garage, I ran back out and threw some produce at the garage door, then ran back into my house. The garage door opened again and Mr. Ricketts came out, looked around, looked annoyed, and then went back in. He left the garage door open, otherwise I would have done another drive-by.

A little while later I noticed his 5-year-old son riding his big wheel out front. I wanted to throw a burrito at him, but didn't have one. Based on a suggestion I got on Twitter from @ashleybird, I decided to sit out front with a bag of Skittles and throw them at the kid. I acted innocent. Tink tink! The little shit didn't know what hit him. 

He finally got so frustrated, he ran into the house crying. I went to the gym.

When I got home, I took my sweaty t-shirt off and stuffed it in the Ricketts mailbox. I felt very good about myself. 

I don't know his name, but the guy who lives behind me seems like he could be a serial killer. I've been watching and waiting for him to bag something big and bury it in the backyard. Hasn't happened yet, but I'm watching. And waiting.

Reader Comments (4)

Dude, you gave him DNA. Never leave your DNA behind. The Skittles was genius. So was the peeing. Damn I wished I lived up there so I could spy on you peeing on the flowers. That's hot. LOL

December 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Just a few more days Jason and everything will be back to normal.

January 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Winter, I'm leaving my DNA everywhere these days. Haha, peeing is hot. Not sure about that. It just confused Mrs. Simpson.

Tech Babe, yeah, I'm counting the days down. Monday I'll be back to normal deviant behavior.

January 1, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

I also have done annoying things with Skittles. At football games in high school we would take Skittles and throw them into the brass instruments of the people in the band like the french horns and the tubas.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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