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« Valentine's Day | Main | Virgin Killer »
Wednesday
Feb132008

Documentation

Our policy on system documentation in this company is to have no documentation. That way, nobodystack.jpg knows exactly how fucked up our systems really are.  

Lack of system documentation is also a good way to ease new technical talent into an environment that will later become known to them as "Hell". You don't want to scare them off too soon. You want it to sort of sneak up on them, after it's too late; after they've cut all ties with other opportunities, maybe burned bridges, etc. 

I like peering into the conference room window as one of our DBAs conducts a knowledge transfer session with one of the new guys. The facial expressions are always priceless. Sometimes Gladstone and I watch the knowledge transfer session from outside the conference room and pretend to be the DBA by saying things like:

"First, we're going to stick pins in your eyeballs just to make things exciting."

 The new guy reacts as if the DBA said just that.

"Then we're going to lasso your penis. Someone will hold the other end of the rope and we'll play jump rope."

The new guy's eyes get wider, his mouth drops as the DBA speaks.

"Sure, your penis gets twisted a little. But it's not that bad unless the person jumping snags his foot on the rope. Then you might feel a slight tug."

The new guy flinches.

"Or maybe your penis will rip right off your body. Heh heh. Don't worry. Sounds worse than it is. I've had my dick ripped clean off my body many times. I'm still alive, ain't I?"

The new guy has a very sick look on his face.  The DBA isn't actually saying those things, but he might as well be. The reaction is the same.

Fernandez once hired consultants to come in and document system interfaces as a special project. The problem with consultants coming in and creating documentation is that they take up just about the same amount of our time as it would take us to do it ourselves.

If we don't want to take the time to do it ourselves, why would we spend the time talking to consultants? So the consultants spend most of their time trying to schedule time with us, rather than spending time on actual documentation. For example, I'll agree to meet with them, but then I won't show up for the meeting. They'll get tired of chasing me down, so they'll then go to my boss to complain. Then they'll waste time trying to chase down my boss Smithee, who they will never track down since he's only an imaginary boss everyone believes is real. 

By the end of the project, the documentation is either too high level because they couldn't get the detail from us or it'll be out of date. Which would be equivalent to no documentation and therefore completely in line with our policy on documentation, which is to have no documentation. 

Speaking of documentation, I've decided to document Conklin's conquest of Blendi the Virgin. I'll be using McKinney's camera equipment and crew, and yes, we have the option of filming in 3D.

I'm doing this for a couple of reasons. 1) It's funny. 2) It'll be blackmail against Conklin in case he decides to tell his slutty wife any of my shit again.

Okay, I know he's my friend and all, but a man still has to take precautions when said friend is loose lips with his own slutty bitch whore wife who already happens to be blackmailing me. It's just a precaution. And it's funny. So why not, right?

Neither Blendi the Virgin nor Conklin know about this. Which makes it even more funny.

Reader Comments (1)

Hmm.. how do you view it in 3D? Those annoying light-filter glasses? Whatever, do it, and post it, or just email me a copy, either way. :)

Oh, and as long as you're hiring consultants, why not just have them fix the system some? Slightly better software would be better than horrible but well documented software.

February 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

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