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« The Big Night | Main | Documentation »
Thursday
Feb142008

Valentine's Day

Women love Valentine's day; men hate it. So why the fuck do we put up with it?p3220005_1.jpg

Romance is a woman's fantasy. Men only deliver when they're trying to fuck a woman or avoid her wrath. Which is why romance always dies. Because it's pretend. Either the man gets laid or he just doesn't give a shit about her goddamn wrath anymore. 

A message to women: We hate Valentine's day and sooner or later your obsession with this stupid consumer holiday will make us hate you too. I don't want to buy you candy because it'll just make you gain more weight; and you're already pushing maximum density. I don't want to buy you diamonds because that won't get me laid half as good as fifty bucks will get me laid by someone I buy a few drinks for in a bar, or even a hooker I find on the street.

The only thing that matters in a relationship is seduction. Because its here and it's now and it's good for both the man and the woman.

Seduction is real, because you both get turned on by it. If one of you can't seduce the other, then you shouldn't be together. Doesn't have to happen every day or even every week. But there's got to be that day you just make the other person go ape-shit over you.

And I'll tell you, it doesn't take much for a woman to seduce a guy. Just think back to those early courting days when you were trying to snare your man into marriage. Remember when you would do anything in the bedroom? Did you sell him a bill of goods? Prove me wrong then. Fuck your man like a rock star tonight. Give him some real monkey sex and make him look forward to the next Valentine's day; give it new meaning. Don't let us keep hating it so much. Redefine this day by giving us something real.

But if your woman won't subscribe to this approach to Valentine's day, you should unsubscribe to it. For some, it may be too late unless you're willing to withstand the wrath. But for those entering into a new relationship, do what I do...

Long before Valentine's Day arrives, make sure it comes up in conversation and act very sad or distraught at the mere mention of it. This will prompt an inquiry about your sudden mood change. Come up with a very tragic event that occurred on Valentine's Day some years ago, such as:

  • That's the day I had to put Old Yeller down because he got rabies
  • That's the day we found out my fourth cousin had terminal cancer and had exactly one year to live; he then died the following year on Valentine's day
  • That's the day my mom found out my father was cheating on her with Conklin's slutty wife
  • That's the day my father found out my mom was cheating on him with Conklin's slutty wife
  • That's the day my sister shot my brother after a dispute during the family poker tournament

You get the idea... The day evokes such bad memories, you can't celebrate anything, especially an event so completely wrought with love and romance.

In fact, you prefer to be alone on that day.

Then you go to the local bar and spend that fifty bucks to get laid correctly. Bars on this night are full of women who wish they had someone and are willing to give up shit they wouldn't normally give up so quickly just to feel like they are with someone.

As for me, I used the Old Yeller scenario on my wife a long time ago, so she's not expecting anything tonight. 

Blair won't see me today, even for a little while and definitely not to have sex since she has to have sex with her husband tonight. 

Blendi won't see me until after she's seen Conklin. 

Athena the Lesbian has to see Jane from Softlines, even though she's no longer a lesbian. Apparently they made a pact back in January to spend this night together.

Well, maybe I'll see you later at the local bar tonight...  

Reader Comments (2)

Ha! Chips and Salsa? See you there....you bring the donkey=P

February 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Stupid Cupid. Like people need another day to feel like shit just 'cause they're single. Will be drowning sorrows at the bar AGAIN...see u there. :)

February 23, 2008 | Unregistered Commentermoovit

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