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« How to Murder Your Friend's Wife | Main | Rabbit Test »
Wednesday
Feb272008

Blair's Baby

Piss on the fucking stick.Preggy.jpg

Blair is being a bitch, as usual. I bought her a pregnancy test because she won't do it herself. She's late by a week. But she believes that if she takes the test, the result will be positive. Not because she necessarily believes she's actually pregnant, but because she believes that taking the test will somehow make her pregnant. She believes the only way to get a negative result from the test is to not take the test at all. So if she doesn't take the test, she isn't pregnant.

You either are pregnant or you're not. Just piss on the fucking stick.

What would happen if Blair was pregnant? No good scenario comes to mind. Maybe I should just push her down the stairs. A little tumble to fix things up.

Okay, look, I'm not that cruel. Just because the thought crosses my mind doesn't mean I'll do it. Oh wait... I usually do act on the crazy thoughts that cross my mind...

Oh Blair... Let's take the stairs so that we don't run into anyone...

No cameras, no witnesses... She accidentally trips over my foot... Problem solved.

Oh come on. I'm just kidding.

Piss on the fucking stick!

There are women who would use something like this just to fuck with me. Blair is not that woman. She fears pregnancy. Not just a little or what might be considered normal for any woman; she fears it like the black plague. And she fears it for two reasons:

  1. The pregnancy itself will fuck her body up and she adores her own body more than she could ever adore her own kids;
  2. She simply doesn't want to have kids because she adores herself more than she could ever adore her own kids.

Unfortunately, she also has a moral objection to abortion. Now, I'm sure there are those of you who are wondering why she doesn't also have a moral objection to adultery... But the answer is simple: she does. She believes adultery is a horrible, unforgivable sin against God. Which is why we have to lament after we fuck. But she's Catholic so she gets over it quickly. She only believes it's unforgivable because she can't forgive herself. But she confesses every week to her priest, and since he has the power to forgive, all is made well.

Blair believes that if she is pregnant, the baby is mine. Not because she's not having sex with her husband too, but because she believes my sperm is stronger than his. And the only reason she believes that is because she believes he is a weaker man. She believes he is a weaker man because he puts up with all her shit. I, on the other hand, only put up with half her shit. So that makes him half the man I am, and his sperm half the sperm mine is.

If Blair is pregnant, I believe the baby is not mine. I believe this for no other reason than I don't want it to be mine.

Piss on the fucking stick!

Reader Comments (2)

Damn...you're about to have a Maury Povich moment.

Just imagine...Maury sitting in front of you with a manilla envelope in his hand, he pulls out the results and reads out loud...

"Jason, you ARE the father of Blairs devil child"

There's going to be alot of hair pulling and bitch slapping going on !!! Make sure to let us know when the show airs !!!

February 27, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterbaby mama drama

"Devil Child" is an understatement. Oh God...

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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