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« Aunt Flo | Main | Blair's Baby »
Thursday
Feb282008

How to Murder Your Friend's Wife

Conklin's slutty wife sent me an email today. Apparently, Conklin has been acting strange lately and shemovie-HowToMurderYourWife.jpg blames me for some reason for this sudden transformation. She listed the strange behavior:

  1. He doesn't interrogate her anymore after a late night out with "the girls"
  2. Nor does he conduct a panty check after a late night out with "the girls"
  3. He doesn't question her cell phone bill
  4. He no longer sends her text messages like "Where the fuck are you?" or "How come you won't answer my phone calls"
  5. He does not accuse her of sleeping with the neighbors
  6. He does not accuse her of sleeping with the men and women who attend her aerobics class
  7. He is not generally suspicious of her, even when she tries to incite him with innuendo
  8. He does not seem to care if anyone is fucking her
  9. He does not try to fuck her himself
  10. He switched from Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi

She demanded to know what I've done to him. And, of course, she threatened to go to Blair if I did not tell her exactly what is wrong with her husband.

Don't I have enough to keep me busy with Blair's possible pregnancy? Do I really need this slutty bitch threatening me?

No, I say.

Time to get Conklin to murder his slutty wife.

Since Conklin had sex with Blendi the Virgin, now known as Blendi the Unvirgin, he has become obsessed with her and unobsessed with his slutty wife. And although Blendi the Unvirgin does not like being the object of his obsession, Conklin's slutty wife does. Which is why she is not happy with his non obsessive behavior of late. 

And even though she has no empirical evidence to suggest I'm at fault, her instincts are correct.  

Conklin and I went to lunch today. He told me that he thinks Blendi the Unvirgin is trying to avoid him. I told him that it's because he's a married man. Unfortunately, divorcing his slutty wife would cost him too much.

"Besides," he said. "She won't let me."

I wasn't sure what that meant. But I guess it's the inherent problem he's always had with his slutty wife. He does whatever she tells him to do. Even, apparently, when he's unobsessed with her.

"Divorce isn't the only answer," I said. "There are other ways..."

He was confused for a moment, but then I saw the recognition in his eyes. And I could tell... There was definitely an understanding. And he didn't seem altogether opposed to the idea.

I planted the seed. Now I just have to cultivate it... I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I mean, a fleeting thought is a fleeting thought. Making it stick is the trick.

But seriously folks... Do you really think I'm that cold? Do you really think I'd go so far as to talk my friend into murdering his slutty wife? Or am I just interested in seeing how far I can manipulate Conklin? Maybe I just want to scare his slutty wife to let her know what power I wield...  

Or maybe I do want him to murder his slutty wife. Hmmm? What do you think?

Reader Comments (2)

Man, you don't really have to murder her. You can just cut off her tongue and her hands, so she won't be able to comunicate with Blair. Well, if conklin likes to build things at home, you can just provide the accident so she will lose her hands... What are power tools for, after all?

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

I love my readers... Right when I thought I've crossed some crazy ass line, someone one-ups me and goes even further. Good idea, Paul. I'll consider it...

February 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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