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« 7 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Bring a Prostitute to Work | Main | Italy »
Sunday
Mar232008

Jesus and the Easter Bunny

Easter seems to be the celebration of two things: the resurrection of Jesus Christ and sexualbunnys.jpg intercourse.

Okay, leave it to me to come up with a combo like that. But it is what it is. The Jesus part is obvious. But where did I come up with the Easter = sex deal?

It's this Easter Bunny bullshit.

Ever wonder what eggs have to do with rabbits? Rabbits don't lay eggs, so what the fuck is a rabbit doing running around with basket of eggs? I used to think he stole them from some bird, which is why he hid them all over the place. And I thought, What a fucking asshole.

But according to Wikipedia, eggs, like hares, are symbols for fertility. Why? Because birds and rabbits have nothing better to do than screw and make baby birds and rabbits. Ever hear the term Mad as a March hare? Apparently, this is when male rabbits go nuts and fight each other for the hottest female they can find. Personally, I think all rabbits look alike, so I'm not sure what they're fighting about. But this is breeding season. It's when rabbits fuck like rabbits.

And rabbits start fucking early; they mature sexually at a very young age. So not only do rabbits symbolize sex; they symbolize sex at an early age.  

Apparently nobody knows why we color eggs. Great. So let's just keep doing it. Tradition is a wonderful thing, especially when it comes to religion. Nobody knows why we do it, but we've always done it, so we're just going to keep doing it until we all die and if you don't do it too, you're an asshole and you're going to burn in hell for ever and ever.  

So just keep coloring the damn eggs.

Why is the bunny pink? Some sort of homoerotic symbolism, I'm sure. That explains the chocolate eggs.  

It should be clear by now, all this symbolism points to one thing: a celebration of sex. I don't know who combined this crap with the day we remember the resurrection of Jesus, I'm just pointing it out.

So when you hide colored eggs around the house for your kids and talk about the Easter Bunny, you're basically perpetuating the subliminal message that kids should be looking forward to some early teen sex. So there you are, censoring their music and movies because you think it's inappropriate, and at the same time you're celebrating Easter with them at an early age, which is like telling them to feel free to fuck like a Goddamn rabbit.

Happy Easter.

Reader Comments (8)

You’re reaching here, pretty fucken lame.

March 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAgnostic

That's what I do. I reach.

I'm open to hearing other theories on pink bunnies and Jesus though. Go for it Agnostic.

March 23, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

That could explain why the logo for "Playboy" is a bunny, perhaps? ;-)

That darn Easter bunny is costing me a fortune every year...
So, yeah! Now I've got a good excuse for not buying any Easter eggs next year... cool! :-p

March 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLoup Dargent

Only you can tie sex and Easter together...interesting spin=)

March 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

No. He's absolutely right. They are linked.

The coloring of eggs goes back centuries. It's a pagan thing that I'm not too clear on. In other countries, they go all out with their egg painting, it's a legitimate art form.

March 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBlythe

There's a reason one of the most popular vibrators is called a rabbit or bunny. It's all related to sex.

March 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Yeah, the reason for this is because Christianity was adapted into older pagan cultures that already had many established holidays. Easter was a celebration surrounding the Spring Equinox along with worship of a fertility goddess during the same time. Over time these various cultures merged, this was especially true due to actions carried out as a result of the conversion of the roman emperor and the eventual establishment of the Catholic Church.

The same holds true for Christmas which is adapted from the worship of a sun god. Historians place the birth of Jesus in the spring, not in the winter. Again it was just differing cultures merging with each other over time. In fact, there were some Christians as recently as the colonial period in America that frowned upon the use of Christmas trees, because this tradition came about from a related pagan celebration... bringing in evergreens during the winter to symbolize life... or whatever. Anyway, yeah you’re right the bunnies are about the sex. In the end it doesn’t really matter though, because we get a day or two off work, an excuse to eat chocolate and the kids have a good time... until somebody is finally honest with them of course; finding out Santa doesn’t exist and that collecting Easter eggs was more akin to an ancient orgy than a result of a magical and mischievous rabbit’s past time can be a tough blow.

December 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRandomStumbler

This is true, Easter is just another pagan ritual that's mascaraded as a christian holiday. This only shows that like the old saying goes "monkey see, monkey do". People just doing things without having the slightest idea why they do them. But this is the world we live in.

December 15, 2008 | Unregistered Commenterpilas

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