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« 7 Reasons I Brought a Prostitute to Work Anyway | Main | Jesus and the Easter Bunny »

7 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Bring a Prostitute to Work

Reason 1: Prostitutes drink a lot of coffee. Especially in the morning if they can't untitled.bmpgo to bed. Obviously in the office there are no beds, so sleep is not an option. Although I have lobbied for getting a bed put into one of the lesser used conference rooms, for various reasons--sleep probably being the least important.  But since I was unsuccessful, there is no suitable place for a prostitute to sleep. So you go into the kitchen looking for a freshly brewed cup of java, and the pot is empty. Personally, I hate making coffee, so I just curse that goddamn prostitute under my breath and go get a Coke from the machine.

Reason 2: Prostitutes eat all the snacks. Prostitutes burn a lot of calories at night, so by morning they're starving. So not only do they drink all the coffee, they eat all the snacks in the office too. Okay, maybe not all the snacks, but all the good snacks. Like if there are donuts, you can say good-bye to all the cream-filled. Yeah, she'll leave all the frosted with sprinkles and glazed, but anything with a creamy inside is suddenly, mysteriously missing. That's because the devious little whore stuffs her bra with donuts and walks away like she's only eating one. But I'm calling bullshit.

Reason 3: Prostitutes ask stupid questions. Prostitutes are not meant to speak. Well, unless they're speaking dirty. But if a prostitute isn't on the clock, she ain't gonna talk dirty. And if she's not working, she's just taking up space and asking a lot of stupid questions. For example:

  • Which causes cancer again? The pink packets or the blue?
  • Does this skirt make me look slutty?
  • Why are there so many Indians around here?
  • Why does your company use Lotus Notes instead of Outlook? Doesn't that cause integration issues?

Reason 4: Prostitutes draw too much attention away from your contributions. I spend a lot of time pretending to contribute value to this company and having a prostitute around completely overshadows my ruse.  If I'm going to pretend to add value, someone should notice.  But with a prostitute around, everyone's looking at her ass or her cleavage and completely overlooking my bullshit. Even the women are paying more attention to her than me. Can you believe she's wearing that skirt? It makes her look so slutty.

Reason 5: Prostitutes have no sense of humor. Think about it. If you spent all your time spreading your legs for dudes who are so hideous they have to pay for it, would you have a sense of humor? Sure, there's the occasional reasonably handsome married guy who just wants to get a little on the side without much effort, but unless you're a high-priced hooker--and this one ain't--you're not seeing a lot of class traffic.

Reason 6: Prostitutes talk too much on their cell phones. This gets very annoying. Because they're not talking to Johns in the morning; they're talking to other prostitutes. They talk a lot about their asshole pimps and all the shit they've been pulling lately.

  • Can you believe Tyrone beat the shit out of me again?
  • What's with that leopard skin fedora he's been wearing?
  • He said I was his favorite, but I think he says that to all his bitches.
  • Why is he investing in all large cap aggressive growth funds? He really needs to diversify or he's gonna get killed in the market.

Reason 7: Bringing a prostitute to work could get you fired.

I know what you're thinking, but no, I was not the one who brought the prostitute to work. It was Gladstone. It's a long story so I'll save it for another time. But Gladstone didn't get fired, even though his boss Tefft was pretty pissed off at first. He told Tefft that she was his cousin from Amsterdam where dress standards are a little looser. The prostitute helped Tefft plan the quarterly team building Ice Cream social, so there was definitely a happy ending for Gladstone.

Reader Comments (8)

The pink ones you Gash!! The pink packets give you cancer!!!!


March 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Didn't see that one coming, could have sworn it was you. I guess you won't be bringing a hooker into work anytime soon. Nice that you learned a lesson without having to go through a bunch of shit.

March 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDan

Dan, you silly boy. Of course I brought a hooker to work. The next day.

March 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Still reading more but I have a friend who was a pro and will love to read these posts. :)

March 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

"Was" a pro? What does she do now? Just curious. I wonder how many people I work with used to be pros...

March 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

This is a topic close to my heart. I would also add:

1. Prostitutes don't wear panties, making frequent cleaning of office furniture a necessity.

2. Prostitutes need constant tutoring in Microsoft Office products.

I like the content of this blog. Keep up the good work.

March 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrad Brown

I get the impression that it wasn't a prostitute at all, due to a few of the quotes Jason through in there.

Or maybe gladstone just has a thing for stock competent prostitutes.

May 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDigitalSocrates

You never know around this place. I thought Wheels was a hooker when I met her. Turns out, she never charges for sex. Who would have thought?

May 4, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

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