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« Chelsea the Intern | Main | 7 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Bring a Prostitute to Work »
Tuesday
Mar252008

7 Reasons I Brought a Prostitute to Work Anyway

Okay, she's not really a prostitute. More like a stripper who goes the extra mile. ET3036Naughty-Boy-Posters.jpgWhich technically... Well, I guess that makes her a prostitute.

The fact that this could happen two days in a row is a little unsettling. And I know this seems like I learned nothing from the mistake Gladstone made yesterday. But really, I had no choice. Here's why:

Reason 1: Prostitutes get pissed off when you don't pay them. It's a dirty job to begin with; then someone stiffs you? Well, more accurately you get stiffed twice. Neither time is desirable, but when you get paid, apparently getting stiffed the first time becomes tolerable. If you don't get paid, you feel like you've just been defiled like an innocent child and merciless retribution is in order.  

Reason 2: Prostitutes are tenacious about getting their money when you don't pay them. You can run, but you can't hide. They will find you.

Reason 3: Prostitutes who have a heart of gold are a complete myth. How many times have we seen this concept at the movies? Utter bullshit. Their hearts are stone. You've got to be made of granite to do the things they do.

Reason 4: Prostitutes will hunt you down like a dog when you don't pay them. When they find you, and they will (see Reason 2), they will show no mercy. This is business, not personal. And since their hearts are made of stone (see Reason 3), you don't have a chance in hell of escape.

Reason 5: I didn't know the stripper was a prostitute. How the fuck am I supposed to know this girl is a pro?

Reason 6: I didn't know Conklin told her that I would pay her even though he's the one who got a hand job in the VIP room. He was out of cash. But you'd think, being the professional that she was, if he didn't have the green, she wouldn't finish the show. But apparently she thought he was cute. And he said I'd pay her as soon as they went back out to the main room. Of course, he didn't mention it to me when he came back. And what's this girl gonna do? She's not supposed to be jerking off the customers in the back room. Just because she pays off the bouncer, doesn't mean the owner is down with it. So when I wouldn't pay her $300 for a "lap dance" for my buddy, she couldn't make a scene or she'd lose her job.

Reason 7: Conklin told her where we work. Why is he such an idiot sometimes?

So I didn't actually bring her to work. She was just here when I showed up this morning. Patiently waiting for me...

Chelsea did not look like Gladstone's prostitute. She's a student at UCLA putting herself through school giving lap dances and hand jobs. She looks like any other college student. A college student with a very talented, limber, and expensive wrist and hand.

So my predicament was not nearly as detrimental as the previous morning with Gladstone's prostitute. In fact, people thought she was my new intern.

I refused to pay her.

"First of all, lap dances don't cost $300," I said. "Second, I didn't get this expensive lap dance, so why would I pay for it?"

"First of all, it wasn't just a lap dance," she said. "Second, your friend said that you would pay for it."

"First of all, if it was more than a lap dance, your boss might not appreciate you putting his club at risk like that," I said. "Second, my friend can say I'll pay for the Tash Mahal, but that doesn't make it so."

"First of all..."

This went on for about ten minutes. She followed me around for a while. She could have made a scene, but I think she knew that wouldn't get her anyplace, but tossed out on her ass by Security. Then she started doing odd things. Like getting me coffee. Finally, I told her to go find Conklin, then I left for a meeting.

Meanwhile, Conklin wouldn't admit to doing anything with Chelsea the College Prostitute. Blendi the Unvirgin was avoiding him like the plague, so I took him to the strip club last night to help him forget about her. I had originally hooked him up with Blendi the Virgin so that he would forget about his slutty wife, who I'm still trying to convince him to murder.  

When I returned, Chelsea the College Prostitute was gone.  

Finally, after the entire day, she gave up.

But... Something isn't right. I can feel it...

Reader Comments (8)

She'll be back...mark my words Jason X, she'll be back. I think I know this girl.

March 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

She gon' git her pimp n' fuck you up.

Hah, no.

But really, maybe.

March 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBlythe

Not quite... Since I'm her new pimp...

March 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

That's not a bad gig at all. $300 for an HJ and not a BJ? Why on earth would he agree to that?

September 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

M: Chelsea is hot. A hand job will do.

September 15, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Maybe these are LA inflated prices I'm dealing with like on the Price Is Right. Well done Chelsea, apparently I'm in the wrong field. I have thought about being a phone-sex operator before but how on earth do you break into that business? I think you have to know someone to get an in...

September 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

College pro from UCLA huh? That sounds pretty hot. So what club do I find this chick at?!?!?

December 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTaylor Durder

She's now my Intern. You can find her at my office.

December 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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