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« Why Not Murder Your Wife? | Main | 7 Reasons I Brought a Prostitute to Work Anyway »
Wednesday
Mar262008

Chelsea the Intern

Driving into work today, I noticed an email on my Blackberry from Teri with the Red_Lips.jpgsubject line: New Intern.

I opened the message and read:

I put the new intern in the cube just outside your office. Desktop support set her up with a laptop and all the necessary logins.

She's really cute. I like her.

- Teri

What new intern?

When I got off the elevator, I quickly made my way over to the cube outside my office and stared at the empty chair. Teri bounced over with a big smile and stared at the empty chair with me.

What new intern?

Teri again reiterated how cute and sweet the new intern was. She was impressed by this year's selection. A little early, but I usually pick some complete idiot who doesn't know his head from his ass. This year, however, apparently my pick was stupendous.

What new intern?

We continued to stare at the empty chair for a moment in silence, Teri brimming with excitement while I was still confused as hell.

"What new intern?" I asked.

Now Teri was confused. Then she gave me that Don't bullshit me look and bounced off to her desk again.

I sat in my office staring out at the empty cubicle shaking my head. I knew what was coming, but I couldn't quite accept it. How does this shit always happen to me?

It was 2:00 before Chelsea showed up at her new cubicle. By then, I had put it all together like a detective on CSI. All the evidence was right in front of me. No need to pretend to wallow in confusion. I called her into my office.

She walked in with a big smile and slapped some dollar bills onto my desk.

"Two hundred goes to the house," she said.

Uh. Confused again.

"20% for you," she said. "I deducted the three hundred you owed me."

When Chelsea was standing around waiting for me yesterday, she got propositioned by at least four guys. They thought she was my new intern and figured she was an easy mark. But then she realized that they were the easy marks. Why work at a crappy strip club dancing and jerking guys off and tipping out the club and bouncers the majority of your take when you can work in an clean business environment like this and only give up 20% (which is really just shut-me-up money). Oh, and on top of all that, get a college credit...

She charges $150 for a jerk in the stairwell.

I opened my mouth to utter some sort of protest, but the words just sputtered into a barely audible sound of resignation. Why fight this shit? I never prevail. This sort of thing just needs to run its course. Meanwhile, I'll make a little money and have the benefit of an intelligent intern for a change.

Well, this is certainly a new one for me. I've never been a pimp before, that's for damn sure...

Reader Comments (10)

Told you she'd be back...LOL! At least you get monetary compensation, and then some, out of it. And since you are now her pimp, I'm sure she wouldn't charge you for a trip down the stairwell...

March 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Tech Babe, why a stairwell when you have a haunted conference room?

Go with the flow! Heh

March 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

Paul, I forgot about the haunted conference room. And if that doesn't do it, there's also my department's War Room!

March 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

The stairwell is fine for handjobs. The haunted conference room is reserved for porn shoots.

March 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

When I worked in an office in West LA, nothing like this happened anywhere in the 12 stories of the high rise. I'm feeling seriously deprived now.

March 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Winter, what kind of business? Culture has a lot to do with it. For example, if your company has a Christmas party, but spouses are not invited... Well, I'll bet there's a lot of serious fucking around. Not just at Christmas time, but all year round.

March 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I agree with Jason on this one Winter.
Culture has a lot to do with it. For example, my company recently had a weekend sales trip to Atlantic City, NJ. Any company that decides that taking their sales department to AC without any significant others is a good idea, probably has some serious fucking around going on!

March 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterI Agree

I worked for a non-profit. Twelve angsty women in one suite. I had a nice view of the ocean right down to LAX when I shared an office. Then I got my own office with a view of the building next door. Ugh. But my receptionist and I used to hear gossip all the time from the other suites...Nothing like this tho. And the attorney offices on the 12 floor were my trademark attorneys (well, mine and my kid's dad). I knew LOTS of stuff there... but it was boring gossip. Nothing juicy. :( Our Christmas parties... dates/spouse/SO invited... held at a board member's multi-million $ home on a cliff in Pacific Palisades. They were nice parties. But, nothing to dish about.

Now, at the cemetery... I could dish a little. Only a little tho... You corporate types have all the fun.

March 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Sooo... You're in a hiring phase?

March 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWhyrywhy

It depends on the skill set. Headcount is not always readily available, but there are ways around it if I find a very skilled individual. With nice tits.

March 9, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

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