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« Conklin's Slutty Wife is Dead | Main | Chelsea the Intern »

Why Not Murder Your Wife?

Don't ask Why should I murder my wife? Ask Why not murder my wife?chalk%20outline%20of%20dead%20body.jpg

Conklin was depressed today because his wife is a slut. He was also depressed because Blendi the Unvirgin has been missing for weeks. Blendi the Unvirgin has not actually been missing, but has very successfully dodged running into Conklin for weeks. I told Conklin maybe she was dead. That didn't seem to lift his spirits, so I told him maybe she was merely unconscious in a ditch somewhere.

But since he has not been able to focus his attention on Blendi the Unvirgin, he has been forced to focus his attention on his slutty wife again. This has depressed him greatly.

So I told him it was time to murder his slutty wife.

He wasn't down with the idea at first, but then I reminded him just how slutty his wife really was. I told him that she deserved to die and that if he got caught, it would be viewed as a crime of passion and he would get off with Temporary Insanity. Get a male judge, he'll know exactly what the fuck you were thinking. Every man thinks about killing his wife one time or another. It starts off simple enough...

You think, maybe she'll get into a car accident. You imagine getting a call one day, some generic voice on the other end informing you of the tragedy. It'll be sad and you'll even shed tears. But inside, you'll be smiling. Because she's gone for good. Wouldn't that just be a beautiful day? But then, you realize an act of God is not going to exonerate you from this torturous relationship. You're going to have to take matters into your own hands. Sure, you could just get divorced, but that creates a whole new set of problems. Like giving away half your hard earned money. How about you profit from your loss with a little insurance money instead...?

And we'd all do it if we could get away with it.  

So I told Conklin I'd help him out. You know, help him make it look like an accident. Conklin's not a thinking man, so I've got it all planned out for him. I told him I'd come over on Sunday and we'd off the bitch. The poor man is so desperate and not in his right mind, he agreed to do it.

I know what you're thinking... I've sunk to some low levels, but murder?

Don't worry... He won't go through with it. I'm just sending a message to his slutty wife. I control him more than she does. And if I want her out of the way... I can snap my fingers and she's gone.

See if she ever blackmails me again...

Reader Comments (2)

And here I was thinking of power tools... Oh well.

March 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

You are the master puppeteer. I can't even control my 18 yr old and you've got an entire office dancing at the end of your strings. I am in awe.

March 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

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