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« Elevator Etiquette | Main | Happy Monday »

Inject, Cut, and Burn

In light of recent events, I think it might be time to take drastic measures.scissors.jpg

I typically avoid sharp objects being placed in or around my balls, but I think the time has come to cut the cord.

Sure, there's birth control. But it's not 100% reliable (as we've recently seen), especially if I'm relying on the woman to take on that responsibility.

But am I prepared to go under the knife?

I think the thing I fear the most is receiving the local anesthesia. That's local anesthesia. That means they stick a needle in both balls. And possibly another needle for the deep visceral pain. That's a total of 4 needles injected into my balls. And then they take a scalpel and slice them open. Then they cut the tubes and cauterize the ends. That means they burn my balls.

Inject, cut, and burn my balls.

Now, as bad as that sounds, how does this sound:

Blair is pregnant.

Yeah, eerie as hell, wouldn't you say? Do you think I want to go through another week like last week? But the next time, maybe not have such a favorable outcome?

Yeah, I think I'm ready to have someone inject, cut, and burn my balls. 

I've mentioned the idea to a few people and there are some myths about the vasectomy that I'd like to dispel. Concerned women have already asked questions that I've answered with my limited knowledge on the subject. But my educated guesses should be sufficient; after all, it's not brain surgery, it's just ball surgery...

Here's what they asked:

Question:  Will having a vasectomy make you appear more feminine?

Answer: Only if the doctor says, "Oops" during the operation.

Question:  Do vasectomies help prevent sexually transmitted diseases?

Answer: Yes. 

Question:  Will vasectomy adversely affect your sex drive?

Answer: No. It only prevents pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Question:  Will it be more difficult to get a stiffy?

Answer: Possibly. So we may need to step up the kink. The more freaky the better. Don't let me down.

Question:  Does it make you want more sex?

Answer:  God, I hope not.

Question: Does it make your penis shrink?

Answer: It actually makes it grow. In some cases, a foot longer.

Question: How long after the operation do you have to wait to have sex again?

Answer: I believe you can have sex within minutes after the surgery. I'm hoping anyway. You just can't feel anything because of the anesthesia.

Question: Can we have tree sex again tonight?

Answer: Yes.

Well, my mind is made up. Looks like I'm gonna let my doctor inject, cut, and burn my balls. I just have to schedule it.

Oh boy.

Reader Comments (7)

I didn't know there was a correlation between STD's and having a vesectomy...are you sure?

March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWTF

Yes. A Vasectomy protects you from everything. Including harmful UV rays from the sun. No need for sunblock anymore. Are you female? If so, we should get together. If not, do you have a sister?

March 5, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

I guess if you actually want children with your wife in the future, you could just do in vitro. Don't you have to discuss this with her anyway?

March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBlythe

Pretty "ballzee" move there Jason!

March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

I agree Tech Babe! The only thing coming close to my balls is a set of lips and a hand occassionally!

March 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKapMan

Blythe, let's just say, I've got it covered.

March 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I'm a girl and it hurts to even think of such a thing. Then again, I'm a phallic worshipper. Somewhere on the net is my Confessions of a Blow Job Queen. I guess if you get one, Jason, you'll just have to pick the right girl to nurse your poor nether regions back to wellness. Just think of all the tender nurturing care she could heap upon it in it's moment of need...

March 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

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