I automatically dislike anyone who gets into an elevator with me, especially in the morning when I first arrive at work.
This is mostly an irrational reaction, but odds are those who join me in the elevator will disembark on floors lower than mine. I'm now located on the 30th of 34 floors and apparently anyone who works on the floors above me always arrives either before or after I do in the morning.
And for some reason, inevitably no two people who get on the elevator with me in the morning will work on the same floor. So every new person who manages to catch the departing elevator by inserting and sacrificing a body part between the closing doors, will not only delay departure even more by stopping everything, but will continue to delay things by punching yet another floor below mine.
I used to be on the 20th floor, which was the first floor available on the express elevator. Then, I didn't give a shit who got on the elevator with me because I got off first no matter what. But now, everyone who gets on the elevator with me is the enemy.
There is that rare occasion when I find myself on the elevator alone, but I can always hear the pitter patter of some approaching threat, so I start punching the Close Door button. I hide in the corner of the elevator so that if the enemy comes barreling into elevator lobby, they can't see me see them. Because at that point, elevator etiquette dictates that you must hold it for them.
There have been times where eye contact is made and I hear the desperate plea Hold the elevator! as if the ferry is leaving and there won't be another for two hours. In this case, I continue to push the Close Door button, but the equally desperate look on my face implies I'm pushing the Open Door button for them, but for some reason, it's just not working. The elevator door closes, I smile and enjoy my private ride to my floor.
Worse than the enemy who starts the journey with me from ground zero, is the surprise attack from the enemy who joins the journey from a floor that has not been selected. It's an unscheduled stop that surprises me every time. I look around and think, That floor is not lit up, so why are we stopping? Is something wrong with the elevator? And then the doors open and there stands some nimrod with a dumbass smile as if we should be glad to see him. It's a moment where my enemy and I both join forces to despise an even greater common enemy.
And then... Worst of all, that nimrod selects yet another floor that is not currently selected.
None of the eight other floors already selected are good enough for this asshole, he's got to get off on some floor nobody else cares about. I was already resigned to the seven floor schedule before my own, and now this guy show up out of the fucking blue and imposes two additional unscheduled stops.
That is the moment I know I have the capacity and the will to kill another human being. But there are witnesses and no reasonable escape route, so I am forced to restrain myself.
Also, in my view, riding an elevator is akin to taking a piss at the urinal. You don't "chit-chat" with others taking care of business. This is meant to be a somber moment; a moment to oneself. Even if I know someone else in the elevator, nobody else wants to hear our conversation. Wait until you get into the hallway. Don't burden the rest of us with your meaningless chatter. The person you know doesn't care, how do you think the rest of us feel?
And then there's the person who feels compelled to say goodbye to everyone when they get off on their floor. Silent the whole ride, and then suddenly, as if we had bonded by sharing this required journey, there's this Have a good day comment.
My first thought, of course, is Fuck you.
The problem with this is that it starts a chain reaction. Now everyone who gets off the elevator feels compelled to say something as if we're all now friends.
Don't talk to me. My expression says it. Do I have to wear a sign?
The only redeeming value of an elevator ride is the possibility of some hot girl getting on. Our elevators have mirrored doors, so if anyone worth glaring at gets on, I've got a front row seat. If a hot girl gets on the elevator, it makes all the rest of the shit go away. Then I actually want the elevator ride to go long. And if it's just me and her, by the end of the ride, I might have another user in the pool.
Well, I feel better. It's an early post, but I just had to get that off my chest.