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« April Fools! | Main | Conklin's Slutty Wife is Dead »
Tuesday
Apr012008

From Bad to Worse

Just when you think you've gotten away with not murdering someone because it wily20cyote-783310.gifwas actually an accident, someone accuses you of murder.

And when I say you I don't mean me; I mean Conklin.

Okay, I'm sure you're all wondering what's going on, so here's what happened:

As I've stated previously, I never really intended for Conklin to murder his slutty wife. But I did want his slutty wife to think Conklin would murder her because I convinced him to do so. Then she would know who really wore the pants in the family.

So I came up with the perfect murder. Well, perfect in a cartoon sense, that is. I told him to drop a piano on her head from the second floor.

But since Conklin doesn't own a piano, he said he could drop a credenza off the balcony of his second floor office, which is right above the front door to his house. Worked for me.

I told him I would go to the door, draw her out onto the front porch, then give him the signal to let 'er rip. The signal would be me yelling: Let 'er rip!

The explanation was this: He needed to get rid of the credenza, so I offered to take it off his hands. I came over with my SUV to pick it up, but since it was a bitch to get down the stairs, he decided to just lower off the balcony with a rope. But then, of course, there was an "accident". Perfect, right Bugs?

So there I stood at the door with his slutty wife standing on the porch with a heavy credenza looming over her head. I'm sure Conklin only went this far because he didn't want to disappoint me. How crazy is that? Yes, I'll murder my wife because you think it's the best thing for me and I don't want to disappoint a friend. But he went as far as I needed him to go. I was not disappointed.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" she said as soon as she saw me standing there. "I told you what would happen if you even speak to my husband again."

I just stood there for a moment with a smile on my face and pure evil in my eyes. There was a moment in which I almost gave the signal. Even though he would not have let the credenza go, I knew that I was prepared to go all the way.

"Listen, you fucking slut," I said. "You don't tell me what to do. And you don't tell your husband what to do. I tell him what to do; and if I tell him, he does it. And if I want you gone, you're gone."

"Is that a fact...?" she asked in her oh so cocky, slutty way.

"Yes, it's a fact," I said and pointed upwards.

Conklin's slutty wife looked up and for a split second, there was fear in her eyes. Fear and defeat. She suddenly transformed into a victim. The moment was beautiful.

Then she became Conklin's slutty wife again.

She ran out into the street and looked up at Conklin struggling as he held the rope, waiting for the signal, which he would ultimately ignore anyway.

"What the fuck are you doing?" she screamed.

I smiled. I smiled and then I laughed. He was my puppet, not yours.

"You're dead," she said to her husband. "You're so fucking dead--"

That's when the pickup truck slammed into her at about 50 miles per hour. Apparently some drunk teens who didn't see her standing there in the street.

Well, she was there one moment and gone the next. My eyes popped, as I'm sure Conklin's eyes did. In fact, he was so caught off guard, he let go of the rope and the credenza, which was now looming over my head.

Luckily, I realized where I was standing and what was happening, and barely escaped my own death. How ironic that would be: killed by my own cartoonish murder plot. I mean, it was ironic enough that Conklin's slutty wife died accidentally when we were trying to murder her. But me too? That would be a little over the top, don't you think?

We were both paralized in shock for what seemed to be for hours. But I think it was more like a few minutes.

The police came, we gave our statements, and all was well in the world... So I thought. But then today, the police came and took Conklin away. I think they know there was foul play. Once again, wouldn't it be ironic if Conklin was charged with murder even though it was an accident?

I guess the question is, if he goes down will he also implicate me?

Well folks, this might just be the stick that broke the camel's back. You can only get away with so much for so long...

Reader Comments (5)

unFUCKINGbelievable!!!! What I would have done to capture that priceless look on Conklin's face!

Could have been worse...she could have snapped her neck with a slip of the hand while attempting downward facing dog in her overpriced yoga class.

April 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

I trully believe the only person you would lose your time with a prank on April's fool is Mulhausen. That is the reason I'm so astonished with Conklin's wife death. I hope Conklin doesn't try to frame you, saying you made her run off or something.

April 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

Classic. Now that is a real example of Karma. I hope they don't come looking for you with silver bracelets, thinking you pushed her into the street in the path of the vehicle. The bracelets chafe. And it's really not a good look for spring.

April 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Noone else thinks it's a little bit too much of a coincidence that Jason X's most shocking and unbelievable post happened on 1st April? Just throwing it out there ...

April 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterArran

Jason is a lot of things, but a liar he is not... Oh wait. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

April 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterCelina

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