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« What Does This Mean? | Main | The 405 »
Tuesday
Apr222008

Mulhausen's New Assistant

We do not have secretaries at my company; we have assistants. You cannot call an assistant asecretary-tile.jpg secretary. That will land you in HR faster than you can say, I meant, Assistant.

Assistants perform the same clerical duties of a secretary, like answer phones, schedule appointments, type letters, etc., but Human Resources gets very upset if you refer to them as secretaries.  According to HR, the reference secretary carries with it too many outdated connotations, which is why we now call a secretary an assistant. HR's policy is very clear on this matter: Please use the title "Assistant" when referring to a secretary.

I finally met Mulhausen's assistant. Her name is Fiona and she's gorgeous. Blue eyes, blonde hair, little tits, little ass. I'm not usually attracted to her type because I'm more drawn to flavor and spice--but for some reason, this girl gave me an instant tingle in my dingle.

Mulhausen gave me one basic instruction related to Fiona: never speak to her.

Then he broke that one basic instruction down into more detailed instructions in order to clarify how he expected me to not interact with her:

  1. If I need to communicate something to Mulhausen through Fiona, I need to communicate to Fiona through my assistant Teri.
  2. If Mulhausen needs to communicate something to me through Fiona, she must communicate to me through Teri.
  3. If I call Mulhausen's office and Fiona answers the phone, I am to hang up immediately.
  4. If Fiona calls Teri and I pick up the phone, she is to hang up immediately.  

I reminded Mulhausen that technically, all this information should be communicated to me through my boss Smithee, because of the communication protocol he established when he started working here. But since Smithee is an imaginary boss I invented who everyone believes is real, the instructions will never get to me.

So Mulhausen will send Smithee an email regarding these instructions, but Smithee will never forward the information to me because he does not exist. I will therefore always be able to speak directly to Fiona since Smithee will never give me the instructions to never speak to Fiona. Smithee will also take the heat for not communicating the instructions to me, while I will stand blameless.

It's a pretty good setup. You should get your own imaginary boss. They really do come in handy.

Reader Comments (4)

Enter another user to your user pool...

"Tingle in your dingle?" Nice feeling isn't it=P

April 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Mulhausen must have suspected the tingle. Otherwise, why instruct you not to talk to Fiona? I really do need a Smithee...

April 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Mulhausen knows how I am. He may be an idiot, but he's not stupid...

April 23, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Mulhausen is just going to dangle that forbidden fruit in front of you? Hmm I wonder what's going to happen (sarcasm)

September 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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