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« Conklin's Dead Slutty Wife's Evil Sister Fiona the Cunt | Main | Mulhausen's New Assistant »

What Does This Mean?

Can you solve the riddle in Figure 1A? (There's actually no Figure 1B or any other figure; I just wanted to sound official).

If not, by the end of this post you'll be able to solve it.  


Today started out better than average for more reasons than one. Here's the list:

  1. I started the day out with a blueberry Poptart. Yum yum.
  2. Traffic was much lighter than usual. I have no idea why. Nor do I question. I just go with the flow.
  3. Utilizing the Starbucks Cam, I snagged a triple venti non-fat vanilla latte first thing with no line; I was bouncing off the walls by 10:00 a.m.
  4. Athena the Lesbian rubbed my crotch in the elevator all the way from floor 20 to 31; there were no stops and no other passengers.
  5. Blendi the Unvirgin tickled my crotch with her unvirgin toe under my desk when she came to visit at around 10:45
  6. Blair was actually in a good mood for a Wednesday; she was also really horny and wanted to have sex with me on Friday. I convinced her to have sex with me tonight instead because her mood swings are as frequent as a pendulum, as in "The Pit and the..." and nearly as dangerous.
  7. Conklin was almost back to normal and no longer seemed to blame me for the accidental death of his slutty wife while we were trying to murder her.
  8. And the mere thought of hooking up with Fiona, Mulhausen's new assistant, made me all warm and toasty inside. I haven't been with a blonde for years...

Don't forget, I said started out better than average. By lunchtime, things started taking a turn for the worse...

Conklin and I were sitting outside at Taco Bell. I tried to get him to order Macho Nachos again, but he was wise to that old trick. And then he saw her...

"Holy shit..." he said.


"I thought I just saw..." he hesitated as he stared down the street toward the office. "I thought I saw my sister-in-law."

This made me sit up in my seat and stop chewing my delicious bean burrito with no onions. I looked around, as if I could pick the slut's sister out of a crowd without having ever seen her before.

"Doesn't she live deep in the Ozarks or something?" I asked sincerely.

"Tennessee," he said.

What would she still be doing in town? The funeral was over, the grieving, for God's sake--over a slutty good-for-nothing bitch--had to be over. And what would she be doing over here at the place in which the all-grieved-out husband works?

Conklin shook his head, rubbed his eyes and wrote it off as a mourning mirage.

After lunch I went back to the office and decided it was time to spend some QT with Fiona. I made sure Mulhausen was in a meeting on another floor, then stopped by and acted as if I were looking for Mulhausen.

The more I spoke to her, the more I noticed something I hadn't noticed before. There was something very seductive about this girl; something in her beautiful blue eyes and in the way she puckered those pouty painted red puffy lips. And the way she kept touching her chest, just above her cleavage as she gave me a look that said I fuck like a wild animal.  

There was something about her, all right. Something alluring, bewitching, inviting, tempting... Or even... Something slutty...

"What are you doing here?" Conklin yelled from down the hall as he looked our way.

Conklin came running up staring at Fiona in disbelief. And then I knew right then we were in for a shitstorm.

"Fiona," he continued. "I thought you were going back to Tennessee."

"I was," she said. "Then I got a job."

"Here?" he said. "Where I work?"

"Where both of you work," she said.  

Whatever sweetness I thought she had suddenly circled the drain once and then was sucked away. She gave us both a good long stare; that same bitch stare her sister had cultivated so well for herself. I guess it runs in the family.

Conklin had described her as twice as evil as her sister, his dead slutty wife. I guess she was just toying with me when she was flirting with me. Because at this moment, she had the look of death and holy destruction smeared all over her face. 

"I know my sister's death wasn't an accident," she said. "And I know you two had something to do with it. And if I prove that you are responsible for my dear sweet sister's death, I will make sure the both of you suffer as much as humanly possible for the rest of your days...

She smiled, not unlike what you might expect from the devil. And then she said: 

"Gentlemen... Welcome to hell."

Well... You get rid of one slut, another one shows up. But this woman is much more than a slut. Fiona is a goddamn cunt.

If you haven't solved the riddle yet, you should be able to now.   

Reader Comments (12)

The bitch got hit by a fucking car! Therefore, there's a witness to attest that you didn't do it: the guy who was driving the car. How much more rock solid can you get?

If she didn't want to die then maybe she shouldn't have stood in the middle of the street. Take me for instance. I don't want to die, thus, I don't stand in roads, thus, I am not dead. It's not rocket surgery.

April 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

I agree, she was an idiot. She got what she deserved. And yes, witnesses might be able to vouch for us... But I think Fiona knows something else was afoot... And not necessarily something for which the law will punish us. I believe Fiona has her own brand of justice. You should have seen the look in her eye. It was definitely unnerving...

April 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I agree with Fishy5. She's got nothing on you nor Conklin that is "punishable by law." However, be very careful with this one Jason...a spiteful, vindictive, seductress with her own conspiracy theory can make a cell block a more appealing option.

Then again, she's from the backwoods of Tennessee. She's got nothing. Pay her no mind and carry on=)

April 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

I was not surprised that the SIL is Fiona. Why? Because if she's more conniving than Conklin's dead slutty wife, she sees a future here. A monetary future. Why would she go back to bumfuck TN if she can figure out how to screw you and Conklin? I hate women like that. Must be why all my friends are men. Good luck Jason!

April 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

You got the riddle though, right?

April 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I... don't get the riddle.

January 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

"I love country music."

January 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Tech babe, you are very right in Everything you say, But I have to say, if the CUNT is southern . it makes her more Dangerous. Southern woman never let ANYTHING go. They Dwell and Simmer in their Anger and Hate. Don't count her out, watch your back, Southern Bitches are HARDCORE. You can't be too careful around her.

Watch your back.

March 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAupair

Aupair: Friday the 13th has proven your comment to be absolutely dead on.

March 4, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

Holy shit, naturally her and Mulhausen would find each other and mutate into some sort of supercunt.

September 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

hey a southern girl myself. i agree with urself. she'll have ur balls off, stuffed, and mounted on a wall like a prize turkey or bass in no time. hell, my first boyfriend STILL wont look me in the eyes...and that was a decade ago

September 19, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermuzkfrek

M: Yeah, it's been a real joy ride with the two of them. Just inspires me to fuck with them more though...

Muzkfrek: Trust me, I don't take the situation lightly...

September 19, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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