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« Clarification | Main | From Bad to Worse »
Wednesday
Apr022008

April Fools!

Let me tell you... I really entertained myself yesterday. Here are some of the jokes hoax-april-fool.jpgI played on people:

  • Blair - My wife is pregnant. Ha ha. That's what she gets for giving me a pregnant scare a couple of weeks ago. I gave her the old April Fools! at the end of the day. No sex for me, I'll tell you that. For at least a week.
  • Athena the Lesbian - I got a little curious the other night and I think I'm gay. I didn't let that one go very long. I could see her passing that rumor on immediately with telepathy.
  • Blendi the Unvirgin - I know you're an unvirgin now, but I can't have sex with you because I've become a born again virgin myself. She laughed in my face and said April Fools! How stupid do you think I am?
  • Kristy (formally Wheels) - They've finally proven that all the moon landings have been hoaxes and that the world is actually flat. Being the big conspiracy theory fan that she is, she said, Old news. That was proven years ago.
  • Wheels (formally Plotkin) - You've got a strange discoloration on the top of your head. Looks like cancer. Given he's the biggest hypochondriac I know, I told him immediately it was an April Fools joke. He didn't believe me, left work and went to the doctor.
  • Gladstone - You wife is in the building. He hid the rest of the day and could not be found.
  • Tefft - They've asked Fernandez to plan the Cinco de Mayo office celebration instead of you. You know... Because he's Mexican. She said Fuck about 20 times and then I left her office. I'm sure Fessler got an earful.
  • Fernandez - Fessler wants you to plan the Cinco de Mayo office celebration. You know... Because you're Mexican. I'm sure Fessler got another earful.
  • Stew Lady - Someone stole your stew again. She started balling. She didn't even bring stew in yesterday.
  • Osmund - All the women in your department are pregnant. I heard she called a meeting and scolded them for not being more like men.
  • Pangbourn - Some strange person in an overcoat asked me where your car was parked. I told him. That was okay, wasn't it? He ran from the building and didn't return all day.  
  • Bertha - You look healthy. To an anorexic, that means, you look fat. I told her it was an April Fools joke, but I don't think she's eaten since.
  • Mulhausen - This is the one day I can tell him the truth about everything and he believes it's all just an April Fools joke. So I told him: My Intern Chelsea is a prostitute; Smithee doesn't actually exist; McKinney shot a 3D pornographic film in conference room 3402; I'm having sexual relations with at least 3 of our internal clients.

Well, that's about it. Oh, and of course yesterdays post about Conklin's wife dying in an accident while we were trying to murder her and then the cops taking Conklin to jail.

Yeah. April Fools on you!

The cops never took Conklin to jail and nobody suspected foul play with his wife's freak, accidental death. Ha ha. You guys are so gullible...

Reader Comments (4)

I totally called that one. I didn't comment though, didn't want to ruin your shenanigans.

April 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBlythe

So I kinda suspected that it was an April Fools joke but you make it sound like she actually did die in a freak accident and that the April Fools joke was that the cops took Conklin away. So did she die or not? I'll be the first to admit i'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer so could you dumb it down for me?

April 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterForrest Gump

Forrest, you should give yourself more credit...

Blythe: While I do like a good joke on April Fools day, don't underestimate my ability to fuck up any situation. It's my God-given talent. Luckily, I have also been blessed with the ability to get out of just about any fucked up situation I cause.

The bitch is dead, but nobody went to jail.

Ha ha. Although Conklin still isn't laughing for some reason. That man needs to lighten up a little.

April 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

listen don't bullshit around with me. i don't really need to lighten up. i get it now. i was kind of fucked up for awhile, you might say like dorothy before that evil bitch got melted. the wicked witch, or evil slut, as jason so fondly calls her, is dead and i've been waking up

May 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterConklin

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