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I Don't Like Funerals

The Funeral for Conklin's slutty wife was today.01.jpg

All her relatives flew in for the memorial service. I can just imagine the clan that spawned her. I'm thinking one or more of them has been a guest on the Jerry Springer show, but I'm just guessing. Maybe she was just the black sheep of the family; the black, trailer trash, slutty, uneducated, rude, and obviously mentally disturbed sheep of the family, and the rest are upstanding, respectable members of society who were simply ashamed of her misguided ways.

Yeah, that's likely. 

I'm glad I wasn't invited because I don't like funerals and here's why:

  • Funerals are a major buzz kill. There's something depressing about death. I don't know what it is. And everyone loses their sense of humor at a funeral. Every time I walk into a funeral and see how somber everyone is, I have this overwhelming desire to blurt out, Who died? Man, I crack myself up...
  • People cry. I hate seeing people cry. People make strange faces when they cry. Not funny faces. If that were the case, at least I might be entertained. No, these are strange, unwatchable faces. I feel like saying, Cry on your own time lady, you're in public.
  • Sometimes they make you look at the dead person. And that just gives me a heebie jeebies. But I guarantee there won't be an open casket for Conklin's slutty wife. I saw her die and it wasn't pretty then. There's no way they can fix that shit up.
  • Finger food is no compensation for making me come to this thing. I hate weddings too, but for other reasons, which I won't go into right now. But at least weddings have some decent food, including cake for desert.
  • No alcohol. Speaking of weddings, good ones have alcohol; great ones have an open bar. But if any event needed alcohol, it's a fucking funeral. Is there alcohol? Not a drop. 

Well, I hope Conklin is in a better mood tomorrow, once his slutty wife is finally under ground. I mean, it's hard to blame a guy for the death or your wife when you were holding a credenza over head on the second floor balcony with the intent to drop.

Sure, we all know he wouldn't have gone through with it. But my point is, we all wanted her dead, including Conklin. And so, by the good grace of God, now she is dead. 

Let's be thankful and move on. Right? 

Reader Comments (6)

Geez. Not all funerals are a drag. I went to one last year where they played the Beach Boys, had surfboards lined up and were dressed in Hawaiian print shirts. And I've seen a number of them have full on food and open bar! People do cry tho. No escaping that.

April 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

That's right Winter, forgot you get more exposure to funerals than most. But you're certainly talking about the exception. I'm sure I wouldn't mind the exception, but most of the people I know who die are pretty average and so are their funerals. so until someone fun dies, I'm steering clear...

April 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I'm good on funerals too. Points 3 and 5 are what really do it for me!

April 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

You, sir, are a hoot.


April 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBlythe

Some day I'm gonna do a post about fun funerals. Today, it was about ways to dispose of a body. I think you might like #13 Jason. HEH.

April 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

I'm pretty sure it's in New Orleans where they will celebrate the life of a person and don't mourn their death and will have upbeat brass bands and food and booze at those things.

September 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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