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« Mojo | Main | Help Desk »
Wednesday
Apr302008

The Premiere

The premiere of McKinney's 3D Porn Film starring Nick Zima and Candi Kans did not Premiere tonight.premier.jpg

Nor did the hidden cam porn short staring Conklin and Blendi the Virgin (now known as Blendi the Unvirgin).

So Conklin and I were sitting in my office this afternoon plotting against his dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt, even though she hasn't made an offensive play yet. I was tired of sweating it out. I was tired of the paranoia. I was tired of losing my erection.

That's when McKinney burst into my office.

"It's gone," he said in a panic.

"What's gone?" I asked. 

"It," he said.

"And 'It' is what?"

"It, Goddamn it. It!" he screamed like a little girl.

Well, I just wasn't getting the message. I asked him if he needed to draw "it" on my whiteboard. He shook his head, caught his breath, and said:

"The workprint."

The "Workprint" in film lingo means a rough cut copy of the original film. It's cut together, but maybe missing music, ambient sound, etc. 

"When you say, 'gone'," I said calmly. "What exactly do you mean?"

"Missing," McKinney said. "Missing is what I mean."

"Missing, like you misplaced it and you just need to remember where you left it?"

"No, Goddamn it! How the fuck do you misplace Two big ass reels of film? It's missing as in someone stole the fucking reels!"

That made me hop out of my chair. Conklin stood up too.

"Fuck," Conklin said. "I couldn't go last night, but I sure as fuck was going to come tonight."

This made McKinney remember one other piece of information that wasn't nearly as important to him as it might be to me. And well, to Conklin, even though he didn't know it.

"Oh yeah," McKinney said as he looked at Conklin. "Something else is missing too."

My mouth suddenly went dry. 

"Something else?" I asked. "You don't mean my movie, do you?"

"You're movie?" Conklin asked. "I didn't know you made a movie too." 

McKinney grimly nodded. I sat back down and let my head fall into my hand.

"What movie did you make?"

This was bad for so many reasons. Worse for Conklin, sure. Way worse. Really really fucked up worse. It's one thing to be semi-responsible for the accidental death of his slutty wife while we were trying to murder her, but to film a man fucking without his knowledge and then let someone steal the film is quite another.

My first thought was, well I was going to put it up on youporn.com anyway...

My second thought was:

"That cunt!"

Conklin was confused. McKinney was confused. But it was obvious to me.

"That cunt took both films," I said. I looked at Conklin. "Now she has evidence you were cheating on your dead slutty wife."

"Evidence," Conklin said. "What evidence?"

For this next part of the conversation, I had Gladstone and Petrizzo come into my office. I had both men and McKinney take hold of Conklin. Once he was securely restrained, I said:

"I filmed you fucking Blendi the Virgin. We were hiding. I got it all on film."

Conklin's face went red. He didn't struggle; he just stared at me with this Wolverine angry face look. I continued:

"Okay, I know you're angry. Very angry. But you haven't connected all the dots yet. What I mean to say is that you're not as angry as you're going to be in just a few seconds when you do connect the dots. Which is why I have you restrained."

I waited to see if he could come up with it on his own, but I think the anger was clouding his thought process. So I made it easy for him:

"The film of you fucking Blendi the Virgin was stolen along with McKinney's 3D porn film."

His temperature definitely rose. But he still did not struggle to get free to kill me.

"And I'm pretty sure," I said. "It was Fiona the Cunt who stole them."

That pretty much did it.

The guys held him back for about 10 minutes. He finally calmed down. At least to a civil level.

Well, that cunt finally made her first move. I think that's all it took. I just needed her to make her first fucking move. Now it's on, bitch. This is my sweet spot. I hate waiting on the transport before the battle begins; but I love running up the hill, balls out, guns blazing, right in the thick of battle. 

And I fucked Lucia long and hard in the ass tonight.  

Reader Comments (3)

Holy fucking shit Jason!

Well, at least you were able to get through the back door again=P

And shoot me a note if the reels are recovered with the location of the screening. Just explain to the fellas that I'm "cool." LOL! Good luck!

May 1, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

I wanna see the porn too when you find it. Which I know you will. No cunt is gonna get the best of you, Especially after you've had buttsecks. She's going down and I can't wait to read about it! Heh.

May 2, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

I knew it. Your weak link was Conklin running his mouth to his dead wife about your shenanigans. Women like her love to gossip and conspire with other cunts.

September 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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