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« Birthday | Main | Can't Lesbians All Get Along? »
Thursday
May082008

Black Olives

Conklin has a tummy ache.olives.jpg

Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt did call the police and the police did say a detective would get back to her.

Conklin has been very upset ever since. Which is why he's been eating too many black olives. When Conklin gets upset, he usually calms himself down by smoking an American Spirit. Unfortunately, he recently quit smoking. Fortunately, eating black olives seems to have a similar calming effect, although not quite as satisfying. Unfortunately, eating too many black olives makes him sick to his stomach.

Personally, my preference would be green olives, because that reminds me of drinking a martini, which would calm me down if I were upset.

"Why aren't you upset?" Conklin asked. "She called the cops."

"We didn't kill your slutty wife," I calmly said. "The truck did."

"Failing to kill someone is still a crime. It's called Attempted Murder."

"Conklin," I said. "When are you going to learn to trust me?"

Conklin should never learn to trust me. If he learns one thing in this life, it's that he should learn to never learn to trust me. Some people can trust me and it works out just fine; but when Conklin trusts me, it always works out badly.

The problem with Conklin is that he always does learn to trust me sooner or later. And as soon as he does, things go badly. This time, he chose not to trust me, which means things will go well. As soon as he sees things go well, he'll learn to trust me again and things will go badly again. It's the Conklin circle of life.

Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt stopped by my office while Conklin and I were talking. Acting much like her dead slutty sister, she taunted us.

"I spoke to the detective," she said. "He said he'd be here around this time."

"Your dead slutty sister was run over by a truck," I said. "What's he going to do? Arrest the truck?"

"I have evidence there was more to it than that," she said confidently.

Conklin sat in his chair rubbing his stomach.

"I have photos of you and Dickhead here right before the accident," she said and held up a CD. "It shows exactly what you were trying to do."  

Conklin's stomach hurt even more based on the very pained look on his face. It certainly was an interesting turn of events. Did this revelation have the same sickening effect on me as it had on Conklin? Not exactly...  

There was a tap at my door and Teri stuck her head inside.

"Jason, there's a detective here to see you," she said.

Conklin grabbed his stomach again with one hand and gave a clump of hair a yank with the other.

Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt smiled and licked her upper lip like she just set the gang bang world record. Teri moved aside, the door opened, and there was the detective.

"Good afternoon," he said. "I'm Detective Curran."

Ah, yes, porn star Rob Jackhoff reprising his role as that tenacious asshole Detective Curran. Conklin immediately relaxed and stopped rubbing his stomach and yanking his hair.

Right after Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt made the call to the police, I had someone in Telecommunications (Marie, the person who introduced me to Comm closet blowjobs) forward all of the cunt's phone calls to Teri's phone. If it was a call for Mulhausen, she transferred the call back to Mulhausen's line where the cunt could pick it up. Teri continued to do this until the real detective called. Teri then said she was Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt and had heard a rumor that the husband was involved in the accident somehow. The detective laughed and said, No, a truck killed your sister. She pretended to be satisfied and hung up. 

Then I gave my good friend Nick Zima a call and arranged to have Rob Jackhoff come back and pretend to be a real actor again. You could tell how much he loved this.

"On the phone, you said you had evidence of foul play," he mumbled as he eyed Conklin and me with suspicious eyes.

Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt produced the CD which also apparently had the video of Conklin deflowering Blendi the Virgin.

Rob Jackhoff grilled us for a little bit in front of the cunt for show, then said he would go back to his office and examine the evidence.

I haven't seen it yet, but we're getting together later to check it out. Who does she think she is? I'm Jason fucking X. You can't beat me...

Reader Comments (6)

I love black olives. I love the green ones too. Martinis... Meh, not so much.

I knew you had something up your sleeve. You always do. I'm relieved that my faith was not misplaced.

BTW, I had dinner with another blogger yesterday. She dished on the blogger event in Philly Tequila Con 08. My kid (sociallydead.com) and I think we need a SoCal blogger event. You and Tech Babe were two of the first people I thought of...

May 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Yeah, you are Jason Fucking X. I was on holidays, so much to catch up! Heh

May 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

Welcome back, Paul. Hope you had a good vacation. Things are getting a little messy around here...

Winter, cool blog your daughter has. What happens at one of these blogger events? Mud wrestling? Dwarf tossing? For sure, drinking, right? (More iced-T for your daughter, unfortunately). Anyway, could be interesting, eh?

May 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Blogger events are pretty amusing. They are drunken debaucheries. The stories I have heard about Tequila Con... OMG. Too effing funny. There is supposed to be another gathering in the summer in Reno where chocolate pudding wrestling is the main event.

If you ever wanna know how wild these bloggers can be... there's Blog Talk Radio show today at 2 pm and another at 8 pm. The bloggers will be discussing Tequila Con and Jestercon which is happening this weekend in the Bay Area. These people are funny. Links to the BTR shows can be found at jestertunes.com and snackiepoo.com.

When Snackiepoo returns from SF, I'm gonna talk to her about us staging something in SoCal...

I did do a nice job on my kid's blog, didn't I? I like it better than mine. LOL

May 11, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Yep the phone forwarding idea definitely went through my head earlier. If you can make up a fake email account, how hard would it be in phone tap her? This is why I always conducted my business on my cell phone and not my work phone. She came into the Lion's Den. Unlike you, she doesn't have any resources. This is your playground not hers. Oh yeah and if you have any other friends named Rob, right after they have sex with somebody they have to yell "YOU JUST GOT ROBBED!" I tried to make one of my friends do this to a girl but he couldn't do it cause he felt like in order to make that declaration he would have to blow his load all over her face.

September 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

M: Then why didn't he? Timid men get nowhere in life...

September 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

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