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« Office Gambling | Main | Where's Jason? »
Thursday
Jun122008

How to Get Rid of an Office Stalker

Bonnie Bod cornered me in my office today and wept uncontrollably.WitchHang1678-e.jpg

She told me that she had been unable to sleep because of the guilt and the only solution to this dilemma was for both of us to leave our respective partners and be together. That way, God would not be upset at her for cheating on the person with whom she's fornicating.

I told her it was the only sensible thing to do and that we could discuss after work. This, at least, made her stop blubbering like a baby and leave my office.

I decided to take the advice of my readers. In order to get rid of Bonnie Bod the quickest and cleanest way possible, I framed her for terrorism.

The first step was to alert Pangbourn, the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team. 

Pangbourn is already paranoid that someone is trying to blow him up. Since he was made executive sponsor of the ERT, he has become convinced that someone is trying to blow everyone up. With a simple anonymous tip about a certain manager of Interfaces who has distant relatives from the middle east, his level of paranoia rose dramatically today.

While Bonnie was at lunch, Gladstone and I planted some suspicious bomb materials in her office. First, we made a list of the things we knew were used to make a bomb. Not necessarily all the elements of a single bomb, but some elements of some bombs we knew about.

  • A pipe (used to make a pipe bomb, right? Or why would they call it a "pipe" bomb?)
  • Fertilizer (something to do with the ammonium nitrate content)
  • An alarm clock
  • Red and blue electrical wires

That's all we could think of. 

We planted the items while she was in a meeting. Pangbourn conducted the search himself. Bonnie Bod was immediately let go and Homeland Security was informed. Building Security took Bonnie Bod away kicking and screaming.

It reminds me of my 11th great grandmother Susannah North Martin  who was accused and found guilty of witchcraft in Salem Massachusetts in 1692. She was hung by the neck until dead. The good news is that she was exonerated of all charges in Massachusetts in 2001.

Maybe Bonnie Bod will be exonerated in 300 years too. All's well that ends well.

Reader Comments (8)

Ooooh! I was just thinking about a knife. Fertilizer is a nice touch!

June 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Get a restraining order! She may not be allowed back in the work place but I'm sure she knows where you live. Watch your back!

June 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Restraining Order? A baseball bat would work best.

June 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

...or a bat...yeah, a bat is good...

June 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

You mean a bat that goes flap flap in the night?

June 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Well, a "flapping" bat up her ass would work too.

June 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

Nice handling of the situation, really all women are terrorists anyway!

July 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterRemixSports

You may have a point Remix. I've suspected that for a long time...

July 5, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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