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Zenda the Persian

Zenda the Persian smiled at me this morning. Twice.  persian.JPG

Although I believe Zenda is having an affair with her boss Rusbridge, the stuttering VP of Corp Communications, and would never succumb to seduction by another man because it would completely unravel the twisted rationalization she's adopted to justify fucking a married man, I will follow the standard formula for getting a co-worker into bed.

Phase I - Eye Contact: If your friendly smile is reciprocated with a friendly smile, the next smile should be slightly peppered with the fuck me smile. If that is reciprocated with a smile that is slightly peppered with a fuck me smile, move on to phase II. 

Phase II - Conversation: Find a reason to discuss something 99% business related. But make it interesting and find a way to make her laugh. If you get her giggling, you're definitely ready for Phase III. However, you must first plant the follow-up seed. This is the 1% of the conversation that is not business related. Like you notice she has a crappy cell phone. Tell her she should get a PDA or something. That's it. Leave it at that.

Phase III - Email: Now you have a reason to email her. You send her a follow-up to the cell phone comment. You send her a couple of links to some really cool phones. Seems like business because you're an I.T. guy. But it's not. And it's a reason to talk via email. Make a joke with a very slight sexual innuendo and see if she notices. Even better if she throws her own innuendo back your way. And at that point, start talking about alcohol. "I got so drunk last weekend..." Make sure she's a drinker. If you can confirm that, you're ready for Phase IV.

Phase IV:  You like alcohol and she likes alcohol. You should both continue this conversation over drinks...

Once you get her out drinking, that's it. Women don't have a drink with you unless they're at least considering fucking you.

Well, Zenda is having a drink with me on Friday night. But that's as far as she goes. I'm telling you, she is having an affair with Rusbridge and there's no fucking way she's gonna touch me tomorrow night, drinking or not.

Damn it. 

I'm going to lose this bet, aren't I? 

Reader Comments (6)

I like the phased-approach flow here Jason. However, Phase 1 needs to be revisited. For some men, EVERY smile is a "fuck me" smile. And for some women, they don't know the difference. (I don't smile at anyone here.)

June 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Oh, and I'm confident she'll be fucking you tomorrow night. If not, then what's on the line? A lunch. I hear Taco Bell's got a few new menu items.

June 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

You're probably right about Phase I for some guys. But those guys barely make it through Phase II and would never get beyond Phase III. Tough shit for them for not knowing the difference between a "fuck me" smile and a "fuck off" smile.

June 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

You'll win. Besides the new menu items are kinda meh.

June 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

I need to go perfect a "fuck me" look now.

June 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDigitalSocrates

Porno idea: "Around The World In 80 fucks."

September 15, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

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