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« Hi Ho, Hi Ho | Main | Tech Babe »
Tuesday
Sep232008

Sexual Harassment Training

Did you know: dirty jokes, language and actions of a sexual nature, and asking a coworker out repeatedly after  they've said no repeatedly should not be construed as sexual harassment?

Oh wait. I got that one wrong on my quiz.

I had to attend Sexual Harassment Training today at the office. It was a 4 hour course taught by Triplet, my very favorite VP of HR.

I took a quick glance around the room and saw at least three woman who had pressured me into having sex with them or at least got me so drunk I lost my sense of good judgment. I feel so ashamed that I've slept with co-workers.

Triplet first asked if anyone knew what "Quid Pro Quo" meant.

I quickly raised my hand and said: It has something to do with fish. 

She said: You're thinking "Squid" not "Quid".

I said: Actually, I was thinking Walleyed Pike. 

While Triplet initially encouraged participation from the group, she quickly discouraged participation from me. When I insisted on participating in the role play activity, she finally agreed but only if I played the victim.

Triplet stated as a disclaimer that this would be role-play only and that nobody should be offended by what we were about to pretend to do.

Even so, in order to prevent the participants from feeling like the role-play could actually turn into real harassment, Triplet chose a man to be the harasser. But in order to prevent the participants from feeling like the role-play could actually turn into real homosexual harassment, Triplet instructed me to play the victim as a woman. 

She had Plotkin play the harasser.

Plotkin by nature could never harass anyone and I by nature could never feel harassed. So while Plotkin failed to harass me, I failed to be a victim. And while Plotkin failed to offend me, I managed to offend Plotkin. In fact, since this was just role-play, I decided to be as offensive as possible.

By the time role-play was over, I had pretty much offended everyone in the class which is why Triplet decided to dismiss class early. She tried to reprimand me but I stated I was protected by the writ of habeas corpus, another Latin phrase that means role-play is not real and therefore cannot be construed as offensive. 

I asked if I passed the class, but she has yet to respond.

Reader Comments (5)

First off, great graphic there. You should have that hanging in your office, if you don't already.

Secondly, this reminds me of an "Effective Leaders" course I had to take at a previous company. In the "Effective Hiring" workshop, I was asked to do a bit of role play of what NOT to do. (Maybe I'll write about it here too.) But like you, since it was just "role play," I felt encouraged to be as offensive and inappropriate as possible. I was excused from the workshop early, passed the course, and ended up w/ a hge following of other managers who would only sign-up for mandatory training classes so long as I was in attendance.

"Walleyed Pike?" Hahaha...where the fuck do you come up with this shit Jason?

September 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Excellent..I believe its the responsibility of every sane manager to act as offensively as possible on any such training course which is nothing but a means of providing money to the trainer which happen to be friends of VP whateva-training-dept.

September 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterXaeem

Tech Babe: at least you passed. I need to retake the class but will not be allowed to talk. I'll be texting as many people in the class that I can though.

Xaeem: I agree. HR is a waste of money. Maybe 25 % of the HR resources add value. Payroll and sometimes Recruiting. But most of the time I go to outside recruiters anyway.

September 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Oh, my "evil" HR manager will love this story. I always tell her your HR stories. They make her laugh as much as Catbert does.

October 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

OK. I love it. Just my style.

I so should got to sleep. I'm stuck here............ Stuck in an infinite loop of your nonsense.

October 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDevilbluedress

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