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« How to Make a Good Mai Tai | Main | Sexual Harassment Training »
Wednesday
Sep242008

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

How am I supposed to recruit new talent to the User Pool, manage existing talent in the User Pool, and blog about the User

Pool if I'm expected to work all day at the office?

Mulhausen and Fernandez have decided that we need to boost our daily meeting average to 6.2.

Prior to today, the daily meeting average was 4.6.

The company evaluates your total value and dedication to the company based on a calculated index that includes total number of meetings, conference calls, and time spent on developing PowerPoint presentations. Assume one hour per unit and an 8 hour day. The calculation looks like this:

Number of meetings + number of conference calls + hours spent on presentation preparation / an 8 hour work day

Previously our managerial index was 4.6 + 3 + 2 / 8 = 1.2

This means we typically put in a 9.6 hour work day. Anyone with an index under 1 is a slacker. But with economic times as they are, Mulhausen and Fernandez feel that we have to work harder to justify our existence. So they want to move our daily meeting average to 6.2 in order to boost our overall department index to 1.4.

The reason we use an index instead of total hours worked is because the company cannot require that anyone work more than an 8 hour day. It's okay if salaried employees work more than an 8 hour day to get tasks done, but the company cannot require it as a performance measure. They can, however, use a calculated index based on specific tasks as a measure of performance even though the index equates to hours worked per day.

Now, typically I'm able to avoid meetings by sending my pretend boss Smithee in my stead because of a scheduling conflict with pretend meetings I've had Teri set up for me. Nobody expects Smithee to show up because he always has emergencies that arise last minute.

Unfortunately, Fernandez has sent Smithee to Asia for a global summit which he will also not attend because of a last minute emergency that will keep him tied up in the hotel on a conference call every day. But mainly he won't show up because he doesn't exist.

Regardless, this puts me in a very exposed position. 

I avoid other meetings by booking them in the haunted conference room 3402. Unfortunately, they are renovating the conference room and it's not available. Mostly likely they're not actually renovating the conference room but rather conducting an exorcism to rid the room of evil spirits.

So all day today I spent in meetings. I didn't eat lunch until 5:45 pm.

Now that's bullshit.

If you plan a noon meeting, you bring in lunch.

Tefft had a meeting at noon because "That's the only time everyone was free."

There's a reason everyone has free time at the noon hour. It's so we can fucking extend life and get through the goddamn day by consuming sustenance. 

If you have to schedule a noon meeting, then at least bring in food. It's not like the money is coming out of your pocket.

Well, Tefft assumed we could all just eat a late lunch at 1:00. Unfortunately, I had a meeting with Pangbourn at 1:00.

Pangbourn is still under the impression that someone is out to get him. As a result, anyone around him is in danger too. I suggested we disband the meeting and at least save a few innocent souls. He rejected my offer saying now that we've been associated with him, we're all targets regardless.

I had another meeting with Osmund who reiterated that the women at this company must be viewed as men and treated with no respect just as she treats them with no respect. I agreed to disrespect women whenever possible.

I then met with Osaka to discuss SOX issues. I told him I wash socks after every use and replace them every 3 months, so there shouldn't be an issue. He did not find my comment humorous. And unfortunately, my comment resulted in a 40 minute lecture on why SOX is the company's most critical safeguard.

I couldn't let it go. I had to mention the collapse of the country's financial industry notwithstanding all the SOX "compliance" over the past couple of years. I had to listen to another lecture which made me late for my next meeting with Kornfeld.

Kornfeld brought Blair of course, who wouldn't look at me during the meeting because she feels if she looks at me Kornfeld will know we're having an affair. Kornfeld already knows we're having an affair because I was told he wanted to get in on the Blair Pool, but all the squares were already taken.

I had lunch at 5:45, then got on a conference call with Japan at 6:30 pm. They're very friendly on the phone, I'll give them that. They just stab you in the back once you're off.

Well, it's time to go to sleep now. Another day of a 1.4 index rating on the horizon. I'm going to have to nip this in the bud though. I think it's an unreasonable company expectation that I should actually work at work. There are just too many other things I need to get done.

Reader Comments (14)

What a complete mind-fuck Jason.

September 24, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

I would just increase my presentation prep time and have alot more imaginary conference calls if I were you. This should offset your ratio once Smithee returns and can resume not attending meetings for you again.

September 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

I tried that. But these idiots are insisting on an increase in meetings from 4.6 to 6.2 instead of just an increase in the total index.

Maybe off-site meetings... Better yet, pretend off-site meetings...

September 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Schedule 1.6 meetings with Smithee (do phone meetings count?)/friends who also want out of meetings/users.

The SOX/Socks joke reminds me of something I got asked in an interview recently.. "What's the difference a field and a property?" "A field is what you plant corn on, and a property is like what I get my shotgun out for when someone comes onto it." I don't think they're going to hire me. So.. are you guys looking? 0:)

September 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

Fishy5...you're exactly what I'm looking for! =P

September 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

Fishy5: Those are great answers. I'm going to ask those in my next interview and if they give me the technical answer I'm going to tell them they got it wrong and then give your answers.

Interviews can be fun. Did you read my post Puppet-Based Training?

Yes, there's always a need for someone with a sense of humor like yours. Where are you located?

September 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

XD Not 'til just now. I don't think I started reading here until ~6 months ago.

Atlanta right now.. would your company be willing to pay to relocate?

September 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterFishy5

I guess it depends what you do in technology. For executives, yes. But I just hired a programmer who was working in Minnesota. He relocated himself. But he's a contract to hire. My company doesn't spend much money on talent. Just frivolous travel and boondoggles.

September 26, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I used to work for UPS Corporate here in Atlanta. I found the best way to get out of meetings was to volunteer and join clubs. It was so easy to say "Hey, I'd love to show up, but I'm working the United Way booth in the cafeteria." or "Can we reschedule, cause I have Toastmasters at that time." Eventually, you're working 1 hour a day, and cruising through the rest. This of course only works if the product you're managing is on autopilot - but I find a lot of them usually are.

September 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrad Brown

Licensing is definitely a business running on autopilot. I.T. not as much. But I have a staff that gets done what needs to get done. Yeah, maybe I should join some charity organizations... I know that will come in handy at some point.

September 28, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

I do the committee stuff to get out of other shit. I chair the picnic committee and take the minutes for the Christmas committee. I got out of the Halloween, Memorial Day and Easter ones after my first few years in the company. You just cannot skate on those committees. I wish I could dick around more at the office, but I do manage some screwing around and still come out the top producer in the department. It's pretty pathetic when you think about it. I know more about our cemetery software than some of their service techs (my boss discovered this too this week), I can complete more contracts than the other 2 girls put together with fewer mistakes (well, no mistakes), while still managing a few tweets, some IMs, a few IT calls, some gossipy email, and a few blog comments. AND my boss has to ask me how stuff works in the cemetery. I swear, I should just get a funeral director's license. I don't care how hard they say the test it... I'll ace it.

October 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

The more productive you are, the more time you have to screw around. That's how efficiency works...

October 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Well, duh. I'm an asset, so they turn a blind eye to Twitter and Yahoo. LOL My review was stellar. No promotion, but again, I got the biggest raise. 2% for everyone else... 3.5% for me.

October 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Good job on the 3.5. I actually got a 35% raise early on when I started working here. But that's because I was so grossly underpaid they had to do something to equalize things will all the other people at my level (I was producing three times the work). It's back to the 2 - 5% per year... My team is still producing more than any other group, which I get credit for (along with my group) without having to produce anything myself. Although I do produce more users for my pool than anyone else.

October 6, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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