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How to Make a Good Mai Tai

I've figured out how to make a good MAI TAI without any effort. 

At our company, a MAI TAI is a Managerial Affectiveness Index/Technology Affectiveness Index which is meant to measure effectiveness, but really only counts the number of hours you spend in useless meetings and preparing useless PowerPoint slides. 

"Affectiveness" is really not a word, but since Skeffington came up with the acronym, nobody had the balls to tell him.

My dilemma arose when Mulhausen and Fernandez decided to boost our MAI TAI by actually making me work by making me go to more meetings.

Smithee is in Asia, but I had him send out a message to Mulhausen and Fernandez suggesting that we create several committees and subcommittees so that we can increase the number of internal meetings and thereby increase our MAI TAI.

Technology loves committees and subcommittees so Mulhausen and Fernandez were delighted with the idea.

Smithee has formed these committees with corresponding subcommittees:

  • ASC - Architectural Standards Committee (chaired by myself and Gladstone)
  • DSC - Design Standards Committee (chaired by myself and Kessler)
  • IOC - Integration Operations Committee (chaired by myself and McKinney)

All other members have been selected very carefully. When meetings get set up on their calendars, here are some of the definitions:

  • ASC Planning: Fantasy Football
  • DSC Planning: Half-Life gaming in the "Test Lab"
  • IOC Planning: Free time, just don't be at your desk
  • ASC 2 hour Lunch Meeting: Let's go to the movies
  • DSC 2 hour Lunch Meeting: Nooner; smoke 'em if you got 'em
  • IOC 2 hour Lunch Meeting: Lunch at Hooters 
There will be other miscellaneous meetings to fill the remaining hours to meet our quota while giving us free time to waste our time the way we choose to waste our time at work, not the way the company chooses to waste our time at work.

Reader Comments (6)

Here's one more to up your index:

DIC = (pronounced dick) Data Integrity Committee

DIC Planning: User Pool Review/Eval of new recruits
DIC 2 hour Lunch Meeting: User Pool Test Drive
DIC 1/2 hour Touchpoint: Quickie in the basement
DIC Standing Thursday Follow-Up: Tequila shots + bonus round

Damn Jason, I hooked you up!

September 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech Babe

Haha, I like it. Nice use of acronym. I'll have to do two touchpoints a day though so that it adds up to a full MAI TAI unit (of one hour). But not a problem. I love a good touchpoint...

September 27, 2008 | Registered CommenterJason X

I work in IT and I take at least an hour and 1/2 lunch daily. I find that if you leave the office for lunch about 11:15 and everyone else leaves to take lunch at 12:00, no one realizes when you return at 12:45 because everyone else arrives back from lunch at 1:00 or a little after. Fridays I just take a 1:00 lunch and never return (except for the days of those pesky Friday afternoon meetings).

September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

Matt, that's exactly what I try to do. I don't tend to make it out quite at 11:15. But sometimes by 11:30.

September 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

Oooooh! Finally, something I do that you guys do! I love the 90 minute lunch. Can I be on your IOC committee? I LOVE Hooters!

October 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

Welcome to the IOC Committee!

October 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJason X

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