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The Division Picnic

It's that time again. Time for the fall picnic.

Unlike the holiday party, I do not get much action at this thing. And here are the reasons why:

  • The picnic is in broad daylight. I'm like a vampire when it comes to fucking around: darkness is my ally; sunlight is my downfall...
  • For some reason, someone always gets hurt at these things, which puts everyone in a somber mood instead of a fucking mood.
  • Did I mention the sunlight? Blair can watch my every move. If not her, then her tits--or any of her other spies.
  • It's at a park instead of a place like a hotel, which conveniently has beds.
  • There's no alcohol.
  • There's no fucking alcohol.

What kind of celebration or party doesn't have alcohol?

I also tend to have a bad reputation at these picnics. For whatever reason, I tend to be either directly or indirectly responsible for that "someone" getting hurt.

Last year I convinced Maharajapuram to climb a tree so that he could jump out onto the bouncy house roof top and collapse it on the goofy adults bouncing inside. I figured the people inside would get injured, not Maharajapuram. Apparently Maharajapuram is not very athletic and he missed the bouncy house completely. One broken ankle, that's all.

The year before I had my own contest. I said I'd pay a thousand dollars to anyone who could drink a gallon of milk (which, by the way, is impossible). I had three takers and they all puked. They were ill the rest of the day, as were most of the watchers.

The year before there was a water fight. Janis from Hardlines was six months pregnant, but still fully capable of participating in the battle. She and I got into it, and somehow, Gladstone thought it would be a good idea to help out his old pal by grabbing Janis from Hardlines from behind and holding her arms behind her back. This was the exact moment I had raised a bucket of water to dump it on her.

At that moment we froze and looked around as everyone stared at us: Gladstone holding a pregnant woman's her arms behind her back and me about to drench her with cold water. I could have been a child molester and gotten more sympathy at that moment.

Well, nobody got hurt, but it sure was hard to shake the image of the guy who gangs up on helpless pregnant women. 

This year, I'm going to take it easy. I'll just stay away from everyone. Nobody gets hurt. 

Haha. Not possible. I'm curious to know who I'll hurt this year.

Well, I guess the division picnic has some redeming qualities after all...

Reader Comments (6)

Dude. Sunlight Sucks. Just sayin'.

I'm the chair of the company picnic. I say that in an Eeyore tone. My biggest ally is retiring this year so he won't be around to snark with me about the event. It won't be the same without him.

Make sure you report back with whatever bad thing you did. You are far more interesting than TV.

September 3, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWinter

I don't do company picnics for those reasons specified above. But to add to the list, this is the one annual event where it is encouraged to bring all your kids and your husband/wife, the family dog...

That alone makes me squirmy. I love dogs & I love kids, as long as I can give them back. But not all congregated in one controlled area.


September 4, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTech-Babe

I can't believe you got people to be involved in the gallon challenge. People are so fucking stupid.

September 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterM

M: I can get people to do anything at this company. Yes, they are fucking stupid. Which is why I love them dearly...

September 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterJason X

But the park is your motel six. fuck motel beds, tree sex is the best.

March 30, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercrameson

I can't argue with that. Just easier to fall into a bed than a tree. Sometimes people are funny about trees. But I agree. It is the best...

March 31, 2010 | Registered CommenterJason X

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